Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  In their growing desperation the royal couple tried everything they could think of and it wasn't long before there wasn't a folk cure they hadn't attempted, a pilgrimage they hadn't made or a mystical pool they hadn't bathed in3.

  1

  With the possible exception of those members of the guild of carvers and carpenters who, while they may have designs on the throne, generally don't have designs on the throne.

  2

  If they go out into the world then who's going to be left to do all the dirty jobs you don't want to do?

  3

  If they'd taken the time to stop all this rushing about and settled down with a few racy tapestries then they might have already managed to achieve something, then again if they'd already managed to achieve something then this story is over before the end of the first paragraph so never mind.

  Early one morning, when the queen was bathing in a pool of questionable mystic worth a frog made its aquatic entry into the royal presence.

  “Morning your Queenliness. I've been sent to say your wish is about to be granted”

  “Gosh, really?”

  “Yep. You'll be a mother before the year finishes and incidentally, since I've been in here the whole time at least one of us is going to need another bath”

  The prophecy quickly came true and the queen had a beautiful baby princess and the king was the proudest man in his kingdom. This isn't as difficult as it sounds when you're in possession of an army who will happily go door to door and make certain there's nobody in the kingdom who had made the mistake of currently being happier than the current monarch.

  In the proper manner of things there was a particularly lavish christening an equally lavish afterchristening to which all the most important people in the land were invited. Being eminently practical about the whole thing the queen went out of her way to make certain all the fairies who lived in the kingdom were cordially invited as special guests since they had a custom of giving valuable gifts to newborn children and the new princess ought to get the best of everything, otherwise what's the point?4

  After the christening the king led the select crowd into the feast hall in order to make another long winded speech where he announced he was unaccustomed to making speeches and thanked everyone present yet again when his wife clapped her hands in order to signal the somewhat theatrical entrance of seven identical servants who stepped forwards with golden dinner sets inlaid with a tasteful collection of diamonds, rubies and all manner of sparkling jewels as a showing of royal gratitude.

  In point of fact the only person not presently admiring the gifts was the royal accountant who, in dealing with the financial side of the whole lavish occasion, had suffered a series of papercuts and had to be put to bed5.

  Just as everyone was settling down to enjoy a healthy roistering in honour of the latest addition to the royal family an ancient fairy, who had kept herself alone in a huge tower on the edge of the kingdom for the last fifty years made her grand entrance.

  Despite her unexpected appearance the collected members of the aristocracy were able to distract her long enough for the servants to quickly set an extra place at the table although because there were only seven of the golden dinner sets which had been commissioned she was forced to eat off the same silver plates as the rest of the guests.

  Throughout the feast she muttered about how they had snubbed her and how dare anyone treat her as though she was unimportant until the people next to her began wondering how one got sent back down tot he childrens table.

  The youngest fairy in attendance made certain to keep her head down in case the elder fairy decided to choose someone to voluntarily donate their royal christening gift. In fact the small thought that she would be going home with the golden dinner set while the elder fairy would leave with exactly nothing was the only thing keeping this celebration from being a complete waste.6

  Eventually the muttering and grumbling progressed to the point where the other guests were beginning to cast sideways glances at the rude fairy who ignored everyone in favor of making a grab for the shoulder of lamb while loudly complaining about how she didn't get enough, what little she did get was cold and how impolite everyone else was.

  4

  Does this still happen today? It would, I feel, go some way to explain the abilities and talents people develop from out of nowhere

  5

  The irony of this was lost on everyone since nobody had actually cut themselves or being put to bed for a long time. .At least not yet.

  6

  It is rare for gatecrashers to be given gifts or invited back. Unless your name is Cinderella which is a whole other story.

  “Unless I miss my guess” the young fairy whispered to a gentleman friend as they took a turn around the dance floor “she's here to cast some misfortune on the royal child”

  “Should we inform the king? He could have her removed”

  “Only if you want to make things amazingly worse. Once we fairies get in a cursing mood nothing stops us”

  “Even you?”

  “Don't worry. I never curse anyone I've danced with”

  “Would you care for another turn dance? Just to be on the safe side?”

  With great ceremony and only a touch of gentle swaying due to the strong drink seven of the fairies eventually came forward to offer their gifts to the royal baby. Six of these were the traditional ones ensuring the princess would grow up to be beautiful, clever, graceful, wise and so on. Then the big moment came and the eldest fairy got to her feet, silence swept over the court and all eyes were on her as she paced down the chamber towards the innocent child.

  “What a stunning array of gifts my sisters have bestowed on your daughter great king, really they are.

  Although since she favors her mother, will have plenty of tutors to teach her gracefulness, cleverness and all manner of social niceties I must say these gifts are both unimaginative and a total waste of time.” she ignored the muffled outbursts and smiled coldly at the royal family “it makes me wonder why they even rated an invitation. Take me for example, I wasn't offered any sort of invitation to the christening and yet have traveled at great expense, without the hope of any sort of reward in order to offer the child my own small endowment”

  “You've been in the tower for so long” the queen protested “Nobody had heard anything from you and we thought you were dead or working on some piece of magic far too important to be worrying about a baby”

  “Of course, of course. These things happen which is why I'm going to give the princess the greatest gift of all” the fairy clapped her hands together three times and pointed at the king, queen and princess in turn “enjoy your lives together while you can because it shall be on her sixteenth birthday your only child will prick her finger upon the spindle of a spinning wheel and die!”

  “You can't!”

  “There's nothing I can't!” and she quickly vanished in a puff of smoke and a thunderclap so loud it broke several large and expensive windows7.

  “Get me my generals!” the king shouted over the roar of the crowd and the smashing glass “summon my armies! My navies. Someone invent powered flight and build me an air force! Conscript anyone who can hold a stick! By my crown she'll rue the day she thought to curse my child”

  “Wait your highness!” the young fairy emerged from the crowed of people “I still have my gift to give”

  “You can stop the curse?” the queen asked tearfully “we'll reward you handsomely”

  “Magic as big as this is powered by a narrative inevitability. I can't stop it but I may be able to divert it”

  “To someone else?” the king stroked his beard and thought about his enemies “do I have time to make a list?”

  “I can't change the focus of the curse, what I can change is the outcome. When she does encounter the spinning wheel she'll be cradled in the arms of Orpheus instead of falling into the clutches of Charon”

  The king and queen hugged each other in joy “If she falls aslee
p for a while it's better than death”

  “Broadly speaking yes and I hesitate to tell you this but your daughter will be asleep for one hundred years”

  “One hundred years!”

  7

  The opportunity to make a dramatic exit is one of the few benefits of being a villain. Catchy musical numbers are another although you do have to arrange things beforehand which is somewhat time consuming

  “The curse was designed to keep your daughter dying for the entire century sire. Even after you'd buried her there would still be something of the princess being tortured and driven insane. I haven't changed the length of the curse although, as you say, sleep is better than death”

  “You're certain there is no other way? She'll awaken to find everyone she knows is long dead”

  “At least this way she gets to live and while I can't offer any more magics for the child I did come top of my class in prophecies and foretelling so believe me, when she does wake up it will be in the presence of a prince”

  Over the next few months the sky was made dark from the smoke of people obeying the latest royal command, which decreed all spinning wheels in the kingdom were banned on the pain of death. The peasants didn't question this decree, they didn't need to as anyone would do the same if his daughter had been cursed in such a terrible manner, eventually the skies cleared and the arrest reports of clandestine spinners slowed to nothing.

  The royal family, convinced they had managed to outwit their enemy, slept peacefully at last.

  Sixteen years passed, just like that.

  Well, I say 'just like that' because while things did happen I'm not so pedantic as to write about the tiny minutia about the eight billion individual minutes that filled up those sixteen years when I could just as easily say the princess grew up happily, which is exactly what happened.

  On the all important sixteenth birthday there was such a great celebration thrown and she was surrounded on all sides by well wishers, gift givers, and prospective suitors and breathed a sigh of relief when she was able to evade them and have some time to herself. The fact she was only able to do this at the top of an otherwise unremarkable tower showed exactly how desperate everyone was to wish her happy birthday8.

  “Who are you?” an old woman asked “I, uh, didn't think anyone would be in here”

  “I'm nobody” the most important character in the story prevaricated quickly “nobody important at all understand? I just needed some time to myself. What are you doing?”

  “Oh you know how it is, I just needed some time to myself as well dearie. Far too busy down below what with their highness's and the grand ball they've all been planning”

  “A ball? Really”

  “It's supposed to be a surprise for the princess or something, don't ask me I never get invited to these things. I just came up here to do a touch of spinning like my granny showed me”

  “You know I've never actually seen anyone spinning before”

  “You can have a turn if you'd like. I need to stretch these old bones of mine”

  One minute passed, just like that.

  It is, I'll grant you, entirely possible that the old woman might not have known exactly who the girl was at the start of their conversation. However, once the princess had sat down at the spinning wheel, pricked her finger and slumped down in a deep sleep she soon found out after the entire castle was mobilized.

  Some people threw water at her, others pinched her hands9. The town crier threatened to read her extremely private diary and even the baying of the kings own pack of hunting hounds couldn't stir the sleeping princess until finally the king and queen were forced to admit defeat.

  “I thought we might beat the curse but now you pay the price. You'll sleep through the ages and though we'll be gone when at last you awaken we will always love you”

  8

  Even now someone outside was scrutinizing the locked door while one determined suitor looked up at the window and called out “Rapunzel! Rapunzel!” without much hope.

  9

  Before being promptly arrested for assaulting the royal personage.

  With quiet dignity the princess was brought into the finest room in this or any other castle. The walls shone with jeweled frescoes and the sheets she slept on were embroidered with gold and silver. 10

  Twelve thousand leagues from all the action was the kingdom of Matakin where the young fairy now lived11. She was notified of everything that had happened by a dwarf who happened to own a magical boots capable of transporting him seven leagues with each step, in the end it didn't matter how quickly he'd arrived because as soon as he'd told her what had happened the fairy ordered her dragon saddled and made the journey back to the kingdom in just under an hour.

  “I thought to stop the magic” the king greeted her sadly as he helped her dismount12.

  “You did what you had to. Nobody could fault your actions”

  “Of course they couldn't I'm the king”

  The fairy nodded sadly "I wish I could shorten it to a hundred days but magic is a fickle thing at the best of times and even changing it from death to sleep was a huge gamble"

  “What about your prophecy?”

  “That hasn't changed. She'll still be woken by a prince”

  “The problem now, as I understand it is now she'll wake up alone” the king mused “and even if this prince is the most wonderful person in the world of the future I don't want her to be disadvantaged”

  “Whatever circumstances surround her on awakening I'm certain she'll be happy and that's what really counts right. Right?”

  “Look. We've had sixteen years to think about this and I think you should use your magic to put the whole castle to sleep”

  “What the whole castle?”

  “From spire to dungeon. Except for my wife and myself who are too important to the country everyone else needs to be sent to sleep so they can be ready to serve my daughters requirements when she wakes up”

  “This place is filled with people who have lives and families” the fairy protested

  “The place is filled with servants who are my subjects and if, as the king, I say they'll be happy to be sent to sleep until the princess wakes up in a hundred years then they'll be happy to go to sleep until the princess wakes”

  With no other choice the fairy flitted about the castle casting a tremendous amount of magic13. Before finally coming to a stop by the princess and shouting out “Hoopla! ”14 Throughout the castle everyone and everything slowed and slumped down to the ground in a sleep just as deep as their princesses was.

  From their backup castle the royal couple held each other while the fairies last piece of magic caused a vast wall of trees and heavy thorns to grow around the enchanted castle.

  “She'll be safe your highness's” the fairy assured them “and awakened to a life of happiness”

  One hundred years passed, just like that.

  10 The royal accountant, having only just recovered from the extravagance of the christening feast retired to his bed again.

  However due to his general lack of importance to the story nobody, in point of fact, noticed.

  11 For some reason there was a growing hostility to fairies of any flavor and it was easier to move than to stay and run the risk of waking up, having a bad day and suddenly being surrounded by yet another village of angry frogs.

  12 The royal accountant, who was determined to return to work, settled down at his desk and glanced over at the bill for the young fairies callout fee and also the costs of stabling the dragon both of which were extravagant.

  13 The royal accountant stared in horror as this latest bill was delivered and just had enough time to collapse onto his bed before the magic sent him to sleep with the rest of the accountancy department.

  14 “Hoopla!” is not a word of power. In truth I have been sworn to utter secrecy and am thus unable to include it in this book. I do encourage you to guess at the magic word though don't come crying to me when you accidentally send eve
ryone in your house to sleep for the next hundred years.

  It happened one day the Prince Eli was out hunting in the wildest parts of the kingdom where few went willingly and around midday the sun just happened to reflect off the top of the ancient castle in exactly the right way.

  “Anyone know who owns the castle over there? I didn't think anyone lived in these parts”

  “My grandfather” his master of hounds hazarded “had it from his grandfather that there was an ancient castle around these parts. Ancient and enchanted he said it held a princess who was waiting for a prince to wake her up”

  “A prince like me?”

  “Could be. I don't see anyone else who qualifies”

  Spurred on by the thought a beautiful princess who required saving Eli quickly outdistanced his servants, entered the forest and looked around with interest as the heaviest of the branches actively moved out of the way and as impressive as this sounds he didn't give it a second thought since the world often arranges itself to suit the right kind of royalty.

  Down the endless hallways of the castle and in every room there was nothing except for the quiet sounds of the worlds longest nappers in fact more than one person had been asleep in their dinner for the last century.

  “Looks to me as thought they're all in their cups, or at least their trenchers” the prince remarked dryly and waited for someone to appreciate his wit, however since the servant who had been appointed to laugh at witticisms such as this had been unable to follow this time at least the wit went unremarked upon15.

  At the top of a wide marble staircase was the princess's chambers and as loath as I am to perpetuate the myth of love at first sight it must be pointed out this moment was one time when it was undeniably true.

  All it took was one look at the sleeping princess and nothing else in the room mattered. To Eli she shone brighter than the jewels in the walls, was more valuable than the golden sheets on which she slept and even more delicate than the masterpiece of furniture on which she slept16.