Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  I'm still not saying child abduction and/or trafficking is ever a good thing I'm just saying if he'd picked his opportunity a little better the offer might have seemed slightly more attractive.14

  In fact I imagine everyone involved in this case would have been willing to keep the matter out of the eyes of the law and after it was all over Rumpelstiltskin would have been out of pocket after having to pay for a new floor15.

  To conclude this conclusion do we at least get a moral for the story?

  “Always tell the truth”

  It's passable. None of this would have happened if the mother right at the start had admitted her daughter couldn't really change straw into gold.

  “Should you happen to bargain away your first born child for something as material

  as a roomful of gold then don't be surprised when it comes back to bite you”

  As life lessons and morals go it is one of the better ones.

  “If, after entering a contest where they win by guessing your name. Make certain

  you don't get drunk and keep your trap shut”

  Far too obvious although both don't get drunk and keep your trap shut do have a certain timeless quality about them.

  “If you make a deal that you don't like then you are perfectly justified in

  attempting to weasel out of it in any way that you can16”

  There we go.

  14 If he'd chosen a really bad night he might have come away with a baby and a husband.

  15 A course of action which is perfectly acceptable since he's, officially at least, the villain.

  16 Look at how well it worked out for Faust. That could be you!

  JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

  In which the consequences of theft and murder are both discussed and celebrated.

  Schemes. Those things which have a distressing tendency to break down at the least convenient time thus allowing your opponents to escape and turn the table on the dire situations you've placed them in.

  Schemes run from the very simple through the complex and finally level off at the level of looking simple while in fact being amazingly complex and everyone who thought they were playing someone was, in point of fact being played by someone else.

  Due to the fact his name is in the title we enter into this story with the mindset of this Jack fellow being the hero, it's perfectly understandable since, without Jack all we have is a vague anecdote about a very tall beanstalk and therein lies the beauty of the scheme, or rather the plot, because history is written by they winners and it may shock you to discover Jack is not a hero, plucky underdog or goodhearted rogue. In reality he is a conman, a thief and a murderer who never shows any sign of remorse or guilt for his actions

  Ever.

  ack was poor, this was a fact there was no getting away from. He lived with his poor old mother in their poor old house, shared his room with Daisy, their poor old cow and an innumerable amount Jof mice, none of whom had names. As time went on Daisy stopped giving milk and rather than letting Jack eat her his mother ordered him to take the cow into town and sell her to anybody gullible enough to believe she was still giving a gallon of milk every hour.

  Jack wasn't even in town before he met a mysterious stranger who offered him four magic beans in return for the cow.

  “She's a good cow, really we're just getting rid of her because we've got nowhere to store all the milk she gives so you might need to up the offer a little” Jack carelessly broke rule number three of story people journeying on the road to anywhere which this tells you something about his character1.

  “I see you're a hard bargainer and will increase my offer to five beans, each with strange and magical attributes, if you still say no then the offers off the table and we'll part as friends”

  “Done!” Jack quickly handed over the rope and received the beans in return.

  “You most certainly have been” the mysterious stranger and Jack echoed each other and quickly made their escape before either had the chance to go “wait, what?”

  Rather predictably his triumphant return lasted roughly five seconds after his mother found out what he'd done.

  “You fool!” she raged “oh curse me for a numpkin that I have someone like you as a son. Only the largest of fools would sell a whole cow for four beans!”

  “Mum, mum you don't understand. There's five beans and they're magical, we plant these and anything could happen” This proved to be the worst thing anyone could say because his mother threw the magic beans out of the window, kicked her son up the backside and sent him to bed without any dinner2.

  Given that the title of this story is 'Jack and the Beanstalk' and since we've already been introduced to the titular 'Jack' what happened next was fairly predictable because the 'and the Beanstalk' part came 1

  Rule number three is “For your own safety do not talk to mysterious strangers you happen to run into” Rules 1 & 2 are reminders not to talk about Fight Club.

  2

  She went to bed without dinner that night as well but its the principle of the thing.

  into play. It turned out that the beans really were magic and overnight they grew into a gigantic beanstalk which curled up into the sky until it broke through the clouds.

  When he discovered what had happened Jack wasted no time in climbing as high as he could and eventually broke through into the cloud lands. The first thing he saw was a huge castle and decided to visit since they were neighbours now. The door to the castle wasn't locked and with great effort he was able to push until it slowly opened enough to allow him inside3.

  “Who are you you and what do you think you're doing?” the biggest person he'd ever seen looked down at the lad in disapproval.

  “I'm lost” Jack mumbled pathetically.“May I have something to eat?”

  “All right, come in and I'll give you a bowl of milk, we've just bought a fantastic milking cow after all.

  Just make certain you drink quickly because my husband eats children, If you hear him coming hide at once”

  “Fe fi fo fum” the giants echoing footsteps and his booming voice gave Jack plenty of time to hide “I smell the blood of an Englishman!”

  “Course you do dear, I haven't done the laundry yet. Sit down and I'll make your dinner”

  Underneath the teacup Jack practiced an Irish brogue and wondered if that would be enough to save him, little did he know he was about to be rewarded for his patience.

  The child eating giant had a vast treasure and every night he counted it carefully because why else would you bother with the horrible stuff?

  By the time it was safe for Jack to leave he made certain to fill a bag with a sizable amount and ran for the hills or, to be precise, the beanstalk.

  “You see I did the right thing when I sold the cow for the magic beans” Jack consoled his mother after he'd told her about his adventures “now we're rich”

  Time went by as time is wont to do and the house was made livable, the debts were paid and truly the good times were here.

  THE END.

  That is to say it would have been 'THE END' if the good times lasted forever which, traditionally speaking, they don't and when the gold ran out Jack was in the same situation as they were at the start of this story only it was worse now because they had a whole bunch of repair bills which were all about to come knocking with demands for payment. Unlike the start of the story this time Jack was clever enough to realize another withdrawal from the first bank of child eating giant would quickly solve all their problems.

  This time the boy went straight through to the kitchen and hid in a large mouse hole without bothering any of the giants since they were both busy and there was such a thing as manners.

  “I smell children” the giant commented as he kissed his wife in front of the oven.

  “It's black pudding for dinner tonight”

  After dinner the giant placed a hen on the table while, from the mousehole Jack watched as it laid golden eggs one after another until everyone else fell asl
eep and Jack took his opportunity to Carpe Diem or, more accurately, Carpe Nocturne. The particular act of Carpe Nocturne was a desperate attempt to Carpe Gallus and the loud noise this Gallus made woke the actual owner who wasn’t happy to discover what was going on.

  “You bloody little thief!” he shouted and made his own attempt to Carpe Nocturne by Carpe Jack who was, fortunately enough fast enough to get back down the mousehole and quietly slip away while the giant was reduced to swearing in frustration at the fact he’d just being robbed in Latin.

  3

  Wait. What?Someone tell me when this has ever been socially acceptable.

  “A chicken? Is that all you stole?” his mother asked disapprovingly while her son caught his breath from the speed of his descent.

  “Just wait” Jack squeezed the chicken in a certain way and was rewarded with a golden egg. With a gold egg every day Jack and his mother were once again wealthy. The house was rebuilt into a mansion and this time the good times were most certainly here to stay. the pair never forgot those years of poverty though and no traveller who needed food or shelter was ever turned away.

  THE END

  By all rights the story should have ended at this point. If you think about it the family is rich, have mended their ways and everything is fine. Everything except all the golden eggs in the world couldn't stop Jacks mother falling sick. Jack hired doctors, some of whom were wise men of renown while others merely went quack. It didn't help, none of the medical men were able to discover anything about her illness or how to cure her.

  In desperation he looked up at the beanstalk “The giant! Perhaps he's got something I can use”

  The mousehole had been blocked up with a large plank which would have prevented entry if there wasn't an open window and an dark corner from which to watch the giant bring out the last and greatest of his treasures, a magical harp who played any song the giant could name.

  It was past midnight when the music finally lulled the giant to sleep and Jack wasted no time in making his move

  “Wake up master!” the harp called out in the key of C “I'm being half inched!” in fear she improvised a jazz riff which finally managed to wake up the giant because if there one thing they hate it's jazz4.

  “Shut up!” Jack told her “if you play for me you'll be happier”

  “Keep telling yourself that boyo” the harp improvised in A “all you'll get out of me is out of tune Country and Western”

  “Is there any other kind?” Jack gasped

  “Just for that you're not even getting the good Country and Western” the harp grumbled in G

  Jack reached the beanstalk and broke the current record for descending magical giant beanstalks, In fact he was going so fast he fell the last few meters and splashed into the mud, all pains were forgotten though when he looked up and saw the giant making a determined effort to get down the beanstalk even faster than Jack had.

  From the woodshed he grabbed his heaviest axe and began chopping. Seeing what was going on the giant descended faster but it didn't do any good because with one final thwack the beanstalk toppled over and the ogre plunged to the earth and everyone was happy. Or at least everyone who mattered, which at this point, was counted as Jack and his mum.

  Since the axe was still close at hand Jack had little trouble dealing with the harp and her magical song easily cured his mothers sickness. The hen continued to lay golden eggs and Jack's life had gone through so many changes since he had accepted the magic beans and without his courage and wit the family could never have found happiness.

  THE END5

  4

  “Don't take my word for it though. Get down to your local jazz club and I'm certain you'll see no giants. You might be able to spot a gorilla in a monkey suit although the less we talk about the bouncer the better.

  5

  It really is this time.

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  Where are the moral lessons?

  Jacks mother didn't punish him for his first theft which, given how poor they are I'm prepared to let go this once. Then she's actually disappointed at the result of the second.

  Given that there are no other families mentioned in this story I think we can conclude this family doesn't enjoy the best reputation in the local community.

  •

  How long until the beanstalk begins delivering a return?

  This is a family who are firmly in possession of a giant magic beanstalk. The mysterious stranger is unlikely to return and even if this whole story happens in the middle of winter the best move is clearly to rush down to the bank and float a loan until the bean growing season begins.

  •

  Exactly how tall was the beanstalk?

  At the risk of being redundant the beanstalk was tall and Jack climbed it which is perfectly understandable. My only problem with this whole situation is if he's climbing high enough to break through the cloud layer then the oxygen level is going to be thin and quite aside from all the dangers associated with oxygen deprivation it means there's a pretty good chance this entire adventure is nothing more than a series of altitude induced hallucinations.

  •

  Where's the proof?

  We're told the giant eats children, a deed which has always been ranked just below Hitler's silly mustache on the international scale of evil. We're never shown any real evidence of this however and it might be that the whole story is nothing more than a primitive security system devised in order to protect his quickly diminishing treasures.

  •

  Might the mysterious stranger have been the giant in disguise?

  If it is then it's a very good disguise. Perhaps this is the way he captures children, if so then it's a plan so amazingly elaborate it could only have been conceived after a late night of naughty boy ice cream and the Scooby Doo box set.

  RATIOCINATION

  “Never give a sucker an even break”

  It's a classic moral for a reason since it's a blind twist of fate which turns Jack from the sucker who got conned out of his cow for five beans into Jack the beanstalk climber who steals what he wants when he wants it.

  For the moment Jack might be happy with his hen, harp and mansion, for the moment. Now that he's had a taste of adventure none of that is going to be able to hold him there for long and sooner or later he'll wake up one morning wondering if there isn't something better, something bigger just around the corner. Eventually he'll go off to find out and, in the fullness of time, will become the mysterious stranger to some other wide eyed youth who's prepared to trade a tired old cow for a handful of beans.

  The adventures of Jack, while entertaining and, perhaps more importantly, distracting don't actually reveal the person who actually came out on top in all this. The giants wife, who took Jack in the first time and then carefully didn't notice him the other times he visited.

  She would have been the one to get the hen and the harp for her husband while making certain there was an easy way in for Jack6.

  It would not surprise me in the least if there were a rather hefty insurance policy quietly taken out on her husband and even if there weren't then she's gotten rid of the child eating millstone around her neck with no questions, no fuss and no incriminating fingers of blame being pointed at her.

  After all if the giant has family then it's going to be Jack they'll be coming after and even if they do ask questions before swallowing it doesn't matter as Jack is nothing more than a stooge who never knew he was working for her the whole time.

  Well played Mrs Giant. Well played indeed.

  6

  Not so easy as to make Jack he gets suspicious of course. When you're planning something as elaborate as this you need to be able to cover your tracks.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  In which the benefits of narcolepsy are investigated.

  Regicide. That thing which is a necessary and ultimate step for those with designs upon the throne1,

  crown and all points inbetween. If literature h
as ever taught us anything about our innate desire for power it's that the ones who want to have the real power will go to vast lengths and justify any bargain in order to sit in the big shiny chair of command at which point they become the corrupt, bourgeois, power whom other revolutionaries dream of overthrowing and thus the world of politics continues to turn.

  On the outermost layers Sleeping Beauty is nothing more than a happy story about love at its truest, magic at its darkest and spinning wheels at their spinniest. Don't be deceived however since at the core of it all this tale is all about power, those who want it, those who have it and inevitable clashes between the two.

  All tortured metaphors aside it should be noted that this isn't a story that should ever be read to children due to the danger that they'll get the idea that somewhere in the world is a princess just waiting for them.2

  Aside from the dangers of inspiring children around the world it is interesting that many versions of the story stop at the point where the princess wakes up, falls in love with the prince and the pair ride off into the sunset.

  It’s impossible to know the myriad of reasons for this decision although it’s possible that the various publishers and editors of the world got together at some point and decided to cut their losses in the mistaken belief that nobody would be interested in the kind of story where a princess becomes a queen and then does battle with her evil mother-in-law who just so happens to be a cannibalistic ogre intent on eating the royal offspring.

  After all it's not like there was any kind of beanstalk involved and since the happily ever after had already been achieved the audience knew that there was no point in exploring anything that happened next because the type of person who wants to know what happens after a happily ever after is the type of person who hasn’t managed to grasp the concept of happily ever after.

  here was once, in a far off land, a royal family consisting of only a king and queen. All day and night they worried at the fact they had no heirs. To you or I this small fact might seem to be unimportant bu the crown is a heavy burden and there were more than a few Tlow hanging branches of the royal family tree who eyed both it and the throne with poorly disguised longing. The lack of royal progeny was a terrible state of affairs which needed to be remedied as quickly as possible plus nine months.