Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  13 "Did you kill her dad? It's all right if you did. We've discovered how fun murder is as well"

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  What happened with the house?

  If this house is magically made of gingerbread, candy and other child attracting things then presumably it's going to regenerate itself automatically. The witch, after all, is an old woman who can't be running up and down ladders with gingerbread shingles all the time. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to stay in the house and start supplying nearby towns with assorted confections.

  •

  Why did they go home?

  The last time the children saw their father he was waving them goodbye in the deep dark forest and the last time they saw their stepmother was when she was ranting about how there was no food. Now here they are, the clear and rightful owners of a candy house which could sustain them for a long time.

  Although given what they had to do to get to this point, it's perfectly understandable they'd seek out the familiar rather than striking out for unfamiliar shores.

  •

  Who’s next?

  People who wish to appear wise will often assume an appropriate pose and proclaim “Three people can keep a secret” and then wink at each other in a knowing fashion because they do not, in fact, know the rest of the saying which is “if two of them are dead”

  While this small family has been reunited it’s only a matter of time before inconvenient relations begin casting inconvenient accusations and quickly become inconvenient bodies. This small notation goes some way to explaining why there has never been a sequel to this story.

  RATIOCINATION

  So what is the moral? the all important lesson we and, more importantly, our children are supposed to take away from this tale? Is there one? Perhaps it's just a story about things which happened once upon a time.

  One possible lesson we could take away from all this would be

  “Look, no matter how tempting it is, it's not OK to abandon your children. Even if

  you're poor”

  Another might be “In certain situations, murder is perfectly acceptable”

  As for the witch? Well as difficult as it is to side with a cannibal it's important to remember that this is an individual who managed to build an entire house from assorted candies and lode bearing gingerbread.

  Realistically speaking this structure would require a gigantic amount of insurance to say nothing of the constant repairs which could only be performed by a licensed confectioner, personally I'm not surprised she's out there trying to eat people since she's obviously so far in debt she can't afford anything resembling actual food. Perhaps then, the real villain of the piece is the banker who first approved the financing of such a risk laden property.

  RAPUNZEL

  In which the consequences of crime are discussed.

  Morals. Something which, if you believe their many self appointed guardians, the young people of today lack and the absence of same is the first sign of societies slow descent into anarchy. Given how much value they place on these rules it’s interesting to note that they're often the ones caught out by the flaunting of them. All it takes is one little slip and suddenly everyone knows exactly who was caught in the chicken coop with a leather hood and a jar of mayonnaise.

  This story, which presents itself as simply another example of true love conquering all, has a great many morals. Some are compromised while a few are accepted and it is only when we focus the waterblaster of truth against the facade of narrative1 that we discover a story which isn't simply one of Prince meets girl and lives happily ever after.

  Really, there's nothing even remotely simple about this story. The hero isn't heroic, the villain isn't a villain and even the supporting characters display more than a little moral ambiguity in response to their respective situations.

  s it happens there was once a husband and his wife or possible a wife and her husband.

  Unlike many of the other families in the town the pair enjoyed a happy life in their comfortable house which sat at the edge of a verdant forest. For all intents and Apurposes life was good and yet one day they failed to meet their daily quota of happiness.

  Upon investigation of the reasons behind this it was sheepishly revealed that Bridget had fallen to the point where she was refusing food and water. 2

  “Seriously my love” her husband, Pierre, knelt by their bed “I've offered you everything I can think of and you've refused them all so just name what you want to eat and I'll get if for you if I have to go to the moon and back”

  “There's only one thing I desire” Bridget’s voice was frail with hunger and longing “but it's no good, you'd never be able to obtain even one. No it's far better I die without knowing the taste of forbidden fruit”

  “I've never backed out of a promise before and I'm not about to start when the most important person in my life is at deaths door. It isn't actually the forbidden fruit is it? Acquiring that one might be a touch problematic”

  “It's less of a forbidden fruit and more of a forbidden vegetable my love, Grizelda from next door has such an abundant garden with rapunzel as far as the eye can see”

  “Rapunzel” Pierre said flatly

  “Yes it's all I can think about, really it is”

  From our neighbours garden”

  “That's the one”

  “Grizelda the, um, witch?”

  “That's the one my love. You see it's impossible, utterly impossible”

  “I've made you a promise and I'll deliver on it”

  “My love it's a promise I'd never hold you too”

  1

  It's kept in the garden shed of perspective

  2

  The no food diet, it would seem, does contain some drawbacks.

  “No if it's Grizeldas rapunzel you need then it's Grizeldas rapunzel you shall have. I haven't seen her about for a few days so if I go tonight I'll be fine”

  The previously mentioned garden belonged to the previously mentioned Grizelda who was, as previously mentioned, a witch who generally took pride in embodying the worst stereotypes of witches everywhere.

  Her one saving grace was the time and effort she put into tending the garden in which grew all manner of plants for her spells, regularly won prizes and occasionally provided a final resting place for the prejudiced minority who believed:

  [a] witch automatically equaled wicked and; [b] wicked witches shouldn't be allowed to enter gardening contests; [c] those witches who were permitted to enter gardening contests shouldn't be allowed to win and finally; [d] witch or not, since she was an old woman she'd be easy to do away with. This would teach everyone a lesson about exactly who was allowed to win said gardening contests.

  When one takes the time to add all this to the fact Pierre had simply vaulted over the garden wall rather than knocking on his neighbours door and offering to buy a few plants3 then this situation is the one time Grizelda was perfectly justified in banging her latest nighttime nightime visitor over the head with the kind of cast iron frying pan which had been specifically designed to be used both in the kitchen and in the field of burglary prevention

  “Think you can steal from a defenseless old woman eh?” she cried out in triumphant irony “I’ll turn you into compost!”

  It took several ringing blows to the head before Pierre was finally able to spell out his reasons for trampling over her rhubarb patch and since you don't get to be a successful witch without a certain amount of natural cunning Grizelda was quick to take advantage of the situation.

  “Pierre, my friend, you really should have knocked on my door. Although who am I to point out such things which have already been mentioned in the footnotes? If Bridget wants some produce from my garden then feel free to take as much she needs”

  “Really? That's amazingly nice of you”

  “Please. You think I don't know what they say about me in the village? If I can't do my part to prove them wrong by bringing a little bit of joy i
nto this world then what's the point of us being here? That being said I am officially a witch and I have to ask for your first born child in return for the privilege of raiding my garden. It's guild of magic policy I'm afraid. Nothing I can do about it”

  “If it's policy then. . wait, we don't have any children”

  “Not yet you don't but it's only a matter of time. I've seen the way you look at each other and if you could let the others in the town know about this it would be doing me a favor, can't have them thinking I've suddenly gone soft after all. It only leads to more compost than I need”

  Pierre hesitated since he'd also seen the way Bridget had been looking at him as well and while the prospect of simply giving away his future children this was weighed against the rapunzel his beloved wife needed to live. Therefore, in the spirit of desperation, he gave his consent and the pair shook on it.

  “You promised her what?” Bridget, having being showered in rapunzel and quite recovered, almost took to her bed again.

  “Our first born child”

  “We don't have any children”

  “You know, that's exactly what I said. We've got nothing to worry about, I mean we haven't been planning on having any children and even if she isn't done in by a couple of young tearaways any day now she's so decrepit she's probably already forgotten about this”

  3

  Something anyone else would have done. Pierre, it would seem, is not at home to Mr Sensible

  This minor dialogue has been inserted into the narrative in order to prove a simple point. You can't live your life simply expecting narrativly convenient murders to just happen, it's up to you to go out and make them happen.

  By fast forwarding a few years we are introduced to the happy couple who have being given reason to be even happier in the form of a bouncing baby girl, at which point Grizelda knocked on the door.

  “Didn't you die? I'm sure I heard you was dead”

  “I didn't, I'm not and it's 'were dead' which, once again, I'm not. Lets not hang about Pierre, You promised me your first born and now it's time to deliver. Give me the child and I'll be off ”

  “Are you sure we can't keep her? I mean we did all the work after all. What about if I guess your name?”

  “It's pronounced Grizelda with special emphasis on The Witch. Don't you try to lay any of the old Rumpelstiltskin game on me Sonny Jim. We had a deal and if there's one thing you don't want to do it's back out of a deal with me and my magic capice?”

  “Capice”

  “In fact I might not even bother with the old abracadabra. I've still got the frying pan you know”

  “I'm capicing already! Oh just take the little pooh larvae if you must you wont be happy with it though, all it does is cry and make a mess”

  “Oh I must, I must” Grizelda gloated4 and took the child far away.

  Except she didn't. The girl grew up in the garden right under the noses of the couple who could see her laughing, playing and just to add the extra strength industrial sodium into the wound Grizelda named the child Rapunzel.

  Those were happy days and they couldn't last forever because without any kind of explanation Rapunzel was locked up in a high tower on her twelfth birthday. It was done for her own safety, just as there were no doors or staircases and while there also wasn't enough room for the pony she'd been promised Rapunzel was quite happy to sit at the window, watching the life of the forest going by and talking to the birds.

  Over time and no doubt aided by strange magic the young girls hair grew until it reached the bottom of the tower and every day her mother, laden down with supplies, would climb to her daughters chambers while thumbing her nose towards plausibility and sticking her tongue out at split ends. She'd leave in the same fashion with, it should be noted absolutely no safety gear on at all5.

  One day Prince Eric, who was both handsome and charming, was riding through the forest when he heard Rapunzel singing from the top of her tower and once he'd seen how easily Grizelda was able to scale the tower walls he waited until it was safe and likewise made the arduous climb. Naturally when he got to the top of the tower he fell instantly in love with the beauty he found there6 and they talked together for a long time before he left her with a promise he'd come again and soon7.

  Things went on like this for a while and then one day Rapunzel made a fatal error after Grizelda had yanked her way to the top “Have you been putting on weight or something? Prince Eric doesn't pull my hair like you do when he climbs up. Also is this really my only line in this story? My names in the title and all I get is one lousy line?”

  Upon hearing what was possibly the worst piece of news in the story Grizelda flew into the type of rage which, thanks to the squeamishness of those in the censorship department, remains largely unprintable and while we are forced to gloss over the more gory details the whole thing ended with her 4

  “The narrative demands it”

  “Why didn’t you say so? Please, go ahead and take my baby”

  5

  “Bye mum. Thanks for setting such a good example”

  6

  Ah, if only it worked like this in real life. All anyone would need to guarantee true love is a handy tower, the renting of which would not be too much of a strain on ones finances.

  7

  It's one of the less publicized aspects of royalty. Most of us would need a ten minute break.

  long hair being cut, Grizelda leading Rapunzel to a particularly lonely spot in a completely different spooky forest and being ordered to stay there without food or shelter.

  The direct result of these actions were seen when Eric arrived as per normal, had called out to his love as per normal, climbed the hair as per normal and finally became the subject of the punchline when the fact that Grizelda had tied her daughters long locks to her own scraggly hair was revealed to anyone who wasn't Prince Eric.

  “Surprise Princy! You'll not be seeing my daughter again” Grizelda cackled as she scratched out the royal eyes and then turned the ironic punchline into an actual punchline which sent the prince falling from the top of the tower where he landed in the middle of a thorn bush as well as on his keys which only made her laugh harder at the whole situation.

  Without any other choice Prince Eric groped about, lamented both his lost love and his lost eyesight for some days8 , then he heard a voice singing and blindly followed the sound since he couldn't do much of anything else and realized he'd stumbled across the woman he loved with the extremely contrived sort of luck you normally only get in the Disney versions.

  They kissed and as she did so Eric's eyes were healed completely. The pair wasted no time in going to the king to tell him the story of Rapunzel and her strange life.9

  To sum everything up Rapunzel was finally reunited with Bridget and Pierre who were overjoyed to see their daughter.10

  A royal proclamation was made to forever band witches from both the kingdom and gardening competitions.11

  A grand wedding was had, the celebration lasted for a week and as Grizelda, well she was never seen again.

  8

  In older versions of the story he wandered blind for years before finding Rapunzel AND she was in a completely different country. Talk to your grandparents and you’ll soon realize people back then were a lot tougher.

  9

  "Hey dad. I found this girl in the woods like two days ago and now I’m gonna marry her” It is to be hoped they worked out the details a little better than this although I’m not pinning my hopes high with this lot.

  10 Not the least because the disappearance of Grizelda the witch meant her house and prize winning garden passed to Rapunzel who lost no time in gifting it to her real parents.

  11 An act which goes some way to explaining her paranoia. This is a person who lives in a kingdom where individuals can suddenly be declared illegal. She probably went through life amazed at the fact anyone was ever able to go to sleep.

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  What kind of plant, ex
actly, is rapunzel?

  After all the trouble this stuff has caused it had better be something like a saffron which is both rare and expensive…

  Nope. It's a vegetable and while I don't want to destroy the mystique or romance of this story it is starting to look like this entire thing happened because someone wanted cabbage.

  •

  So Grizelda, the witch, puts Rapunzel, the girl she raised, into a tower because she's scared Rapunzel might run away. Then when she learns about the prince she gives Rapunzel a haircut and leaves her alone in the forest with nothing more than a promise?

  My only answer for her behavior is she was both dangerously paranoid, didn't cope well with change and while I'm sure there were perfectly logical reasons for her actions the logic only actually made sense to her.

  For her part Rapunzel, now freed from the witch, need only pick a direction to travel in and sooner or later she is certain to come across a village, some lumberjacks or a little gingerbread cottage12.

  •

  What did Grizelda do with all the hair?

  The only way into the tower is by climbing the hair and if she doesn't want any visitors it'll have to be stored in the room which will take up a great deal of space. There remains the possibility she'll while away her time by braiding it into rope which would enable the hair to be properly coiled if nothing else.

  12 She should avoid at least one of these.

  RATIOCINATION

  The big thing to ponder about this story is the exact identity of the villain. We're told it's Grizelda because why else would she even be mentioned if not to represent the collected forces of evil?

  While Grizelda is a woman who, perhaps, shouldn't be around children it would seem all of her hostility stems from the extreme case of paranoia from which she suffers, a paranoia which turns out to be somewhat justified.

  Therefore, in order to demonstrate that evil can wear a handsome face, I accuse Prince Eric and not simply because he stole the heart of an impressionable young woman who has had no contact with the outside world aside from fleeting visits from her mother figure. Eric is the villain because he had managed to find a woman with the power to heal blindness with her kisses and he took her back to his castle so the pair could live a life of luxury and several bouncing happily ever afters which all combine to keep her away from any potentially rewarding career as a miracle optician.