Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  “Fiddle-de-de Nobody is at home! Well, time to resume skipping down the road in the aforementioned joyful expression of youthful delight as previously stated”

  •

  What's so great about this pudding?

  Mother Bear is making enough for the family which currently consists of two adult bears and their child yet Goldilocks is able to eat it all without exploding8.

  Perhaps though, just perhaps we should look at this logically.

  Fact: Goldilocks has just broken into the Teddy Bears house.

  Fact: Because she knows what she's doing is wrong all of her senses are strained to the breaking point.

  Fact: Goldilocks eats the pudding and then wanders around the house being entranced by chairs and beds.

  Fact: After she engages in a great deal of destructive behavior she tires herself out to the point where she isn't woken by the amount of noise the Teddy bear family make when they arrive home to discover things are not as they left them.

  Therefore the only logical conclusion following these perfectly logical points is that the pudding itself is little more than bait which has been laced with a powerful mixture of sedatives and hallucinogenics which means this entire scenario is nothing more than a devious trap to allow the Teddy Bear family to capture their real dinner while retaining their current standing as upright citizens of the community.

  8

  The argument for her secretly being an elephant is only getting stronger.

  RATIOCINATION

  Here's a simple fact: For all their sizable bulk a fully grown bear can move extremely fast.

  Here's another simple fact: In the entire history of the world anyone who has arrived home to find their home ransacked and the most arrogant housebreaker in the world still present isn't going to be be prepared to simply hang around waiting for an explanation.

  In the other versions of the story where Goldilocks does manage to outrun the bears and get back home to her parents they never actually get around to asking her what's happened. Neither does PC

  Plod ever knock on the door and ask her to explain her actions9.

  At last though we come to the moral of the story and unlike many others where you really need to dig this one is easy.

  “Don't break into peoples homes”

  There you go, nice and simple. If you needed anything further I'd add

  “Especially if it's a family of bears”

  Although wouldn't it be nice to think both of these lessons might one day be redundant.

  9

  Breaking and entering, destruction of private property, emotional damage. Any reasonably creative policeman can come up with more.

  HANSEL AND GRETEL

  In which child abandonment, cannibalism and outright murder are both practiced

  and rewarded.

  Murder. It's difficult to find a genre which doesn't include it as something requiring its prevention, solving and, occasionally, committing. It's easy to understand the reasoning of this this because it is supposed to be the ultimate of ultimate crimes1 one can visit on another yet, on the other hand, it does happen to be the quickest way to get what you want, at least in the short term.

  While we debate the pros and cons of murder we can't forget about the children. When children are brought into the situation then this particular deed, which is already morally questionable, takes on a significantly darker hue and just to further muddy these already muddy waters I pose the question of exactly what happens when the children in questions are the murderers rather than the murderee?

  Despite what many would have you believe this story isn’t about family togetherness and the general importance of being prepared. In reality this is nothing more than a sorrowing tale of child abandonment, cannibalism, gingerbread and murder most tasty.

  t is in a large forest where our tale of woe begins and in a small house where we meet our principal characters. In this case it's a poor woodcutter and his two children Hansel and Gretel.

  Their mother had died and the woodcutter had managed to remarry, his new wife was hard on Ithe children and was forever nagging her husband whenever the family sat at the table and stared at her latest offering of three day old bathwater soup.

  “There's not enough food in the house for us all” she would mutter slightly too loudly “too many mouths to feed. Or two many mouths to feed I should say. We've really got no choice except to get rid of the useless girl and the stupid boy”

  Day after day she worked on her husband until he came round to her point of view and agreed to abandon his children in the forest2.

  Hansel, the aforementioned stupid boy, was not actually stupid. Or at least not stupid enough not to take notice of his stepmothers daily rants nor was he stupid enough to ignore the fact his father was beginning to agree with his wife and quietly slipped outside into the night so he could fill his pockets with stones.

  In the morning their father woke them up early and took brother and sister out into the depths of the forest and by noon the two were both horribly and hopelessly lost3. After the children had waited at the base of the largest tree Gretel was frightened about what was going to happen until her brother revealed the long path of pebbles which eventually led them safely home.

  To say the children didn’t receive the warmest of welcomes is to lose an opportunity to use the word understatement since, when the pair arrived home their stepmother locked them away with nothing to eat except for a small piece of dried bread that had been used to bait one of the many mousetraps in the kitchen.

  “She's never been this angry before brother”

  “Did you see how she locked us in? I don't think this is going to end well for us”

  “Shh! I can hear her”

  1

  If you don't count making rude faces at policemen.

  2

  "We could arrange marriages for them dear" "No! They must be abandoned in the forest!"

  3

  It is at this point we lose all respect for the father since he could have taken them down to the local police station or even to another part of the forest where the three could have lived away from his horribly abusive wife.

  Both Hansel and Gretel had been on the receiving end of her sharp tongue enough times to know the sort of things their stepmother was ranting about and the next day, when their father took them out into the forest again he was so filled with shame he didn't dare speak to his children or even look them in the eye.

  The area of the forest their father left them in this time was deep, dark and certainly not child friendly.

  Unkind eyes watched them from the shadows as they walked about looking for the trail Hansel had been scattering behind him. There was no trail to find however, because he'd been forced to use breadcrumbs rather than stones, there was nothing left except for some birds who were looking happier and distinctly well fed4.

  Eventually the sun rose to find the pair sleeping in the low hanging branches of a large tree and a wide variety of predators who couldn't climb sleeping on the ground. After they'd crept away the pair began to wander about in the hopes of finding a path or some sign they weren't alone in the world. On and on they walked until they suddenly came upon a strange cottage in the middle of a glade and the whole building was made from a wide selection of candy.

  “This is chocolate!” gasped Hansel as he pulled a lump of plaster from the wall.

  “This parts icing!” exclaimed Gretel who had just discovered she was particularly fond of icing and quickly joined her brother in attempting to become the first people in the history of the world to eat an entire house “it's all so delicious”

  “We'll stay here” Hansel declared munching on a piece of nougat which used to be attached to the windowsill and was just about to try a piece of the biscuit door when it quietly swung open5.

  “Well well!” an old woman peered out with a crafty look “and haven't you children got a sweet tooth?”

  “Haven't you got a sweet roof?” Hansel counte
red as he pulled at the boot scraper in the hopes it was a kind of chocolate covered toffee6.

  “No they're waterproofed gingerbread shingles but come inside children, there's plenty more”

  The inside of the house continued the candy theme to the point where there were sugar coated spiders in the corners of the room7.

  “I imagine you two have quite a story to tell but that can wait until later. For now there's enough food for everyone”

  If you thought Hansel and Gretel had let themselves go before it was nothing compared to how they attacked the table full of candied food with gusto and several hours later were tucked into bed by the kindest woman they had ever met.

  “If only father had met you rather than that horrible woman” Gretel murmured sleepily Early the next morning the old woman got up, went to the children who were sleeping like little cherubs.

  “These two will be a good mouthful” she mumbled to herself and in doing so revealed to the readers her current status as something of a wicked witch. This status as both wicked and witch was both revealed and then confirmed to the children and readers alike when she suddenly grabbed Hansel, dragged him down the hall, into a stall and locked the cage door behind him. It didn't matter how much he cried out there was no help on the way. Only slight less alarming was Gretel being woken up by the witch kicking her out of bed and thrusting a large bucket into her surprised hands.

  “Get up lazybones! The well is outside and you'll need to cook something nice and fattening for your pig of a brother”

  “What's that about my brother?”

  4

  Cloud, Silver lining. It doesn't help much although it's the thought which counts.

  5

  Even allowing for the fact this is a trap do they have to be such pigs?

  6

  For the record it wasn't.

  7

  Neither the sugar spiders nor the candied flies were actually made of candy.

  “Sorry did you need it spelled out for you? I'm a witch who uses a magical candy house to lure my victims inside where I roast them and then sit down to a nice dinner accompanied by pumpkin, potato and all manner of vegetables”

  “Wait. We've got vegetables?”

  “They’re out the back. I would have included them the other night but you two seemed to be so taken with the candy that I didn't have the heart to tell you”

  Gretel hesitated at the thought of a huge roast surrounded by pumpkin, potato and all manner of vegetables then recalled the roast in question would be her brother and began to cry.

  It didn't help, she had to do what the witch demanded on pain of death and to make matters worse her brother was still being given the finest things to eat while she had to make do with moldy bread and half eaten leavings8.

  Hansel looked up from the confines of his miserable cage “What are we going to do Gretel? What does she want? Is this because we ate her candy house?”

  “The house was a trap. That nice old woman has turned out to be a witch, you're supposed to be cooked for dinner on Sunday and there doesn't appear to be any way out” Gretel shrugged “on the plus side there are vegetables out the back so we don't have to exist on candy”

  “Oh thank you” Hansel replied flatly “really, that makes me feel so much better about everything”

  For the next four weeks Hansel woke up to the witches cane being whacked against the side of the cage

  “Let me feel your finger boy. Maybe you'll be fat enough to eat tonight”

  The young boy wasn't ever fat enough to eat because the old woman's eyesight was so bad9 and he fooled her with a chicken bone he'd found in the bottom of the cage10.

  However, the trick couldn't last forever and finally the witch was fed up or, more accurately, not fed up.

  “Hey Girl” she shouted one night after going to bed hungry and irritable “tell your brother it doesn't matter if he's fat or lean anymore! Tomorrow he's getting eaten so say your goodbyes and get the good plates out”

  “He isn't ready to be cooked yet” Gretel protested “I don't think he'll ever be ready”

  “Of course you don't but right now the boy is marinating in terror about what's going to happen to him and that adds a great deal of spice to the dish”

  “You've done this before?”

  “Many times my girl. Many times”

  Late the next morning the witch strode into the kitchen with a pair of her best skinning knives “Why isn't the oven going?” she demanded

  “I thought you wanted extra vegetables” Gretel looked up from peeling her third potato in an hour

  “there’s nothing wrong with the vegetarian lifestyle you know. It’s certainly healthier”

  “Don't you try getting clever with me”

  “Getting clever, why whatever do you mean? I’m just doing my best to help someone get ready to eat my brother”

  “I told you to get the oven ready. Is the oven ready? I don't think so”

  “Your oven is complicated. I couldn't figure it out”

  “Seriously? There's a door, it opens and you put wood inside. Then it gets hot, eating you might be the best thing for everyone”

  “Um, just how hot does it need to be?”

  “You mean you don't know?”

  8

  Because even when you've got all those vegetables, a magical candy house and a free slave there's not point in being a wicked witch if people don't know you're a wicked witch.

  9

  Doubtless a consequence of her evilness.

  10 At least he chose to believe it was a chicken bone. He wasn't, as has been previously noted, stupid.

  “No” Gretel snapped “amazingly enough I don't know how to cook human beings. It's not exactly like this is something that gets taught to normal people”

  “Oh you big numpty! Its obvious to anyone with eyes, all you need to do is climb inside the oven and make certain the fire is evenly banked on all sides”

  “Climb inside?” Gretel edged away from the oven door “its so tiny. Do you chop people up before you put them in there or is there some magic trick you do to shrink them down?”

  “You silly little goose” the witch snapped and pushed Gretel out of the way to fumble with the oven door “it's clearly big enough for you. I mean even I can fit inside”

  “I'll just bet you can” Gretel shoved hard and kept on pushing until the old woman had tumbled headfirst into the oven. The witch screamed in pain and scrabbled at the inside of the oven door while Gretel ignored the heat to lean hard the hot metal until she could fasten the first of the large padlocks.11

  Who's the silly goose now Witchypoo?”

  “You killed her?” Hansel hugged his sister after she'd released him.

  “It was her or us my brother and hot iron stops witches as effectively as cold iron stops fairies. I hope you like raw vegetables though because there's no way in heck we're going to use the oven”

  A week later the children had managed to discover the many hiding places and the table was covered in a large selection of coins, jewels and gems.12

  “We should leave the jewels” Hansel mused “they're probably magic in some way and I know I don't want to deal with any kind of magic after today right, right?”

  “What's that my precious?” Gretel tore her face away from the simple golden ring she'd found wedged underneath one of the couch cushions “what does it want?”

  “Should we melt the magic things down or not?”

  “Who's to say what happens when you destroy this kind of magic? Not even dragons fire could harm this stuff and all we've got is a stove with a witch in it. It might even revive her and nobody wants that”

  “She would”

  “She doesn't get a vote. We load up our bags and pockets and then we find our way home” Gretel cocked her head to the side and tried to remember if there wasn't something important about bagginses and pocketses. “she didn't have much in the way of bags though so I've pinched her pillowcases which means we've got
two big sacks of vegetables and two big sacks of money”

  “Not bad for a mornings work but do we have to go home? After all that's where our stepmother is”

  “I don't care about her! Don't you see Hansel? We've been through this ordeal and survived. Surely we can deal with her unpleasant nature”

  The pair walked through the dark woods where even the wild things dared not go making certain to laugh and sing so as to make certain the things who lived there would know they weren't afraid. To tell the truth though they really weren't afraid because when you've managed to defeat an entire witch by yourself anything which leaps out from behind a tree going “Boo!” isn’t going to accomplish much.

  For their part the things who did live in these dark woods peeked out their windows at this strange sight and tried their best not to make any noise because anybody who was brave enough to wander into this neighborhood while singing and laughing wasn't the kind of person who would take kindly to someone suddenly jumping out at them.

  Eventually the terrain became more and more familiar until they rounded a corner and saw their father solemnly chopping wood in front of the house. The children threw all caution and thought of their stepmother to the wind so they could hug their surprised father.

  11 It should be noted this feature isn't standard on modern ovens. Thankfully we have progressed somewhat from the days in which we needed to make certain dinner couldn't escape while it was being cooked.

  12 Hansel had lost two teeth in verifying the coins were genuine. On the whole he considered it worth it.

  “You won't believe what we've been though father. There was a witch and a house made of candy and all these jewels”

  “Oh my brilliant and lovely children I've been so worried about you since I made the mistake of listening to your stepmother. She's dead now and we'll never have to worry about anything again”13

  Then they went inside the house and everyone lived happily ever after.

  Everyone that is except for the witch who was murdered, the stepmother who died mysteriously and the police officer who had to investigate the entire sad affair.