Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  Seven Pages – To knock on each door in the kingdom and announce the presence of the group.

  Eight Servants – To hold the ornate cushion upon which the shoe had been placed and present it to each claimant.

  Nine Soldiers – To deal with any trouble which might occur when said claimants were unable to wear the shoe.

  Ten Ministers – to individually examine, verify and ratify the findings of the group as a whole.

  The discrete group scoured the city from house to house yet were unable to find any sign of the slippers owner despite the extraordinary amount of people claiming ownership of both the slipper and the royal heart.

  Eventually the page knocked on the right door and entered to find a stepmother who looked far too pleased with herself.

  “It took you people long enough. Anyway, I'm pleased to announce that your search is. ”

  “. at an end” the entourage chorused wearily “because you were the mysterious beauty etcetera”

  “I see a few others have attempted to usurp my rightful claim”

  “If by a few others you mean every other woman in the city then yes, yes they have. So let us get this over with shall we?”

  “I'll remember your cheek when I'm Queen” the stepmother tried her best and in the end had to be pulled away from the delicate shoe “This is what happens when you dance the night away with handsome royalty, your feet swell up like nobodies business”

  “Is there anyone else who might like to try on the footwear?”

  “Yes there is!” the two sisters appeared at the top of the stairs “and our mother was mistaken”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes because we were the ones who danced with the prince that night”

  “Both of you?”

  “Not at the same time obviously but dancing takes energy so we swapped him between us”

  “Then who owns the slipper?”

  “Ah, well obviously it's mine but I may have loaned it to my younger sister that evening and she's got great big feet so it would have been pushed out of all proportion”

  “Well the prince has vowed to marry she whom the shoe fits so as long as one of you can come down and put it on I think we could easily make room for both of you”

  The sisters hugged each other in joy at how easily their scheme had worked and they both began walking down the stairs, which meant everyone in the room watched as the pair winced with each step and tried to avoid slipping in the trail of blood they left behind.

  From her small spot in the fireplace Cinderella looked on with grave concern11 as her sisters revealed their feet which had been sliced and mutilated in order to make them delicate enough to fit the slipper.

  Their cunning ruse had failed spectacularly because they'd each chopped up the right foot and the glass slipper was for the left.

  “I don't suppose there's anyone else in the house?” the bloodied footman asked hopefully as he discretely wiped the glass slipper clean.

  “No, there’s nobody. Nobody at all” the stepmother shook her head in defeat “begone with you!”

  “There certainly is someone else!” it had taken a few tries before Cinderella was able to find her voice

  “and that glass slipper is certainly mine!”

  10 Technically this act is somewhat outside of the job description of a footman and in truth they had largely been included because the irony was simply too great to resist.

  11 More for the fact she would have to clean up the bloody footprints and it was already soaking into the carpet than concern for the actual wellbeing of her stepsisters.

  “Don't make up lies you wicked girl!” her stepmother scolded “you're so awful and dusty you wouldn't have been welcome at the coal door, let alone the ball itself ”

  “The shoe is mine you horrible woman!” Cinderella spoke back for the first time ever and quickly put the shoe on to show it fitted perfectly.

  “We've found her!” the ministers and assorted servants cried in amazement

  “They've found her?” the sisters proclaimed with equal astonishment

  “Miaow”

  “You can't have been at the ball!” The stepmother screeched “not after the huge list of tasks I assigned you. Actually now I come to think about it, they weren't even attempted were they?”

  “I was at the ball” Cinderella insisted

  “It doesn't matter you scruffy thing!. If Prince Whatshisname is marrying anyone it should be one of my daughters! Can't you all see how ugly Cinderella is? Why that's not even her real name!”

  “That is enough!” the fairy godmother appeared in a bright flash and with the traditional cry of

  “Hoopla!” Cinderella was once again in the elegant gown she had worn for the ball so there was no doubt about who she was.

  “Come with us fair maiden. The prince awaits to present you with his engagement ring” all the ministers and their entourage bowed low because even though she wasn't royalty it doesn't do to get on the wrong side of anyone who has the ear and, as it turns out, the heart of a prince12.

  The subtlety of all this might have been lost on Cinderella who left her, for want of a better word, family and took only the cat who jumped into the coach at the last minute13 with one final “Miaow” the translation of which was, quite frankly, unprintable.

  12 To say nothing of his ardor.

  13 As cats are wont to do.

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  Where is dear old dad during all this?

  The Stepmother, it seems, has the complete run of the house and if the subject of his daughter doing all the work around the house he believes his wife when she assures him “Cinders if perfectly fine. She really enjoys doing all the housework”

  Of course this is a man who is so detached from the rest of his family his daughter has been given a different name without him noticing so I don’t think we can look to him for any kind of real help.

  •

  What are the fairy godmothers motivations?

  Naturally I lay no claim to be an expert in the field of magical beings although it's common knowledge they are creatures of cunning in the extreme and their gifts, as shown in this story, never last.

  Perhaps the plan wasn't actually to get Cinderella to the ball where she would meet her true love and be taken away from a terrible life. The plan could have been her attending the ball, dancing with the prince and at the crucial moment the gifts would fade away leaving Cinderella as the laughingstock of an entire kingdom and on the receiving end of her stepmothers cruelty once again.

  •

  When the fairy godmother conjures the coach and everything else why doesn't Cinderella simply pack up everything in the house and take it down to the markets for an emergency fire sale?

  With the money she earned she would easily have been able to afford the fare out of the kingdom with nobody being the wiser.

  •

  The fairy godmother could do all this magic. Why couldn't she teleport the Prince to Cinderella?

  Presumably because this would change the story at its core and it would no longer be one of Girl meets Boy. The new version would be best classified as Boy meets Girl, Girl abducts Boy, Girl holds Country to ransom, Girl is caught and made to pay for her crimes in the Royal Dungeons14.

  •

  Who did the housework?

  The quick answer is nobody did any of it. The convenient answer is the fairy godmother waved her wand and let the magic fix everything although since all the magic went away at midnight it amounted to the same thing.

  •

  What's going to happen when the rest of the family gets home?

  It's clear they won't be in the best of moods having being completely and totally upstaged by Cinderella in the guise of the mysterious stranger and one look around the house will reveal the hole where the window used to be not to mention all the jobs which haven't even been attempted and will only serve to put her foul family in an even fouler mood.

  No mat
ter how wonderful everything about that night was it isn't going to be a fun time for Cinderella.

  14 Before escaping, fighting with several guards, being recaptured, escaping again, dueling her enemies while going up a staircase backwards, vowing vengeance and eventually being crowned Miss Jihad 1195.

  RATIOCINATION

  There is a thing which happens to stories over time. The rough edges get whittled away by well meaning individuals who don't want their little darlings thinking about how, once upon a time the ugly sisters were so desperate to marry the prince they chopped off their toes with a butchers knife in order to make the infernal slipper fit and once the prince had seen through both the transparent ruse by seeing through the transparent glass slipper the stepmother smashed it so Cinderella couldn't even try it on. Of course Cinderella is able to produce the other slipper which somehow survived when the rest of the magical gear disappeared at midnight and it is only after this everyone manages to get their happily ever after.

  Except, perhaps they don't, because the prince is an important figure and for a single fairy to go to all this trouble just to get one random girl to the dance makes me suspicious. When you take into account the tendency for the collective royalty in these kinds of stories to luck their way through all manner of dark enchantments it is not a huge leap of logic to assume something as public as a royal ball is protected by some kind of anti-magic field which Cinderella, in all her enchanted accouterments has been able to bypass.

  The end result of this is the prince being enchanted and marries Cinderella as already writ. What wasn't exactly writ is the peace negotiations his father has been carefully working out with their extremely antagonistic neighbours and was, in fact, contingent on a marriage between the prince and princess, who was actually rather nice once you got to know her. With the sudden appearance of the newest addition to the royal family any chance of peace between the two countries is off the table.

  Finally, the moral of this story would appear to be

  “You know magic? Well it fixes everything”

  and it's one I'd be prepared to accept so long as the rider of

  “as long as you don't rely on it to actually do so”

  is included. However, given the rather dramatic handling of the final scene and also the stepmothers torment of her through this whole thing the actual lesson of this story is

  “Look, it's not enough to just win. You have to win in such a way as to ensure you

  enemies will never, ever, forget that you won. Otherwise, what's the point?”

  GODFATHER DEATH

  In which the effects of nepotism are shown.

  Family. So often people claim you can't choose them and equally as often they'll bring up the fact other family members will have your back in difficult times. The fact this particular detail only seems to be remembered when they’re the ones in trouble is surely nothing more than coincidence.

  Depending on these ties is a precarious course of action because while family ties may be strong they're not unbreakable and to sever the bond is to risk being cast adrift in an uncaring world.

  This particular story demonstrates this with a complete lack of what might be considered the regular cast since it contains no wicked witches, star crossed lovers, or even helpful talking animals who swoop in at the last minute, what it contains is a fathers attempt to buck the trend and choose his family while at the same time running the risk of both divine retribution and infernal attention.

  here was once a man named William who had twelve children. Because none of them were old enough to bring in any kind of money he had to work day and night to ensure there was food on the table and clothes on their back. It was entirely due to an advanced Tdegree in time management skills and an extremely understanding wife he managed to schedule enough alone time in order to bring about his thirteenth child.

  “You've been working yourself into exhaustion and an early grave” his wife remarked as she nursed the newest addition “your son needs a godfather”

  In the small space of time between the end of his second job and the start of his third William agreed.

  In a small act of defiance he kissed his wife and the rest of the family goodbye1 before heading off onto the road to deal with his family problems rather than turning up at his latest job.

  William hadn't been on the road for long before he came across God and where you or I might be overawed by the presence of the almighty casually strolling down the road on a sunny day, he managed to keep his composure2.

  “Poor fellow, I pity you” God said to the man 3 “give your child to me for I'll hold him at his baptism, care for him and make him happy on this earth”

  “It just so happens I am looking for someone to be a godfather to my latest child and what you're offering does sound pretty good, only who are you exactly?”

  “How can you not recognize me? I'm God, the allfather and creator of all things. I've got a business card if you want it”

  “No thanks, I’m actually agnostic”

  “How can you be agnostic? I'm right here” complained God who was, theologically speaking, everywhere “talking to you. I've been sitting on high and thought I'd come down and lend you a hand in your time of need”

  “Well lets talk about that shall we? Why are you, if you are who you say you are, taking such a personal interest in me and mine when there’s so much suffering in the world? What do you intend to do about the good people who get nothing and the wicked ones who always seem to end up with everything?”

  “That’s a fair question and I can't go into detail but trust me, everything’s going to get sorted out and it's all covered in the 'mysterious ways' in which I move”

  1

  An act, which had already been scheduled under “family togetherness”

  2

  Largely because this kind of thing happened far more often than in the cynical world of today. Casually running into spirits and deities was just an accepted thing back then.

  3

  More accurately “He spaketh unto man” It's a God thing.

  “Sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate at the moment then. Thanks for the offer though”

  William turned away from the Lord which is a risky move at the best of times and generally not recommended in those situations where the Lord in question is actually standing in front of you. This time William was permitted to depart in such a way as to be something of a practical demonstration of they mysterious ways in which the aforementioned Lord was constantly moving.4

  The sun was directly overhead before William met anyone else on the road and since this individual carried a dangerously pointy pitchfork, sported a rather dashing goatee and wore the traditional red pyjamas it wasn't surprising Williams first words were “A devil!”

  “It's The, actually. The Devil, Singular rather than plural. I've got a business card around here somewhere”

  “Sorry, what did you want?”

  “Oh I was just wandering about the place and heard about how you told God to mind his own business. Since this is the kind of thinking which appeals to me I thought I'd throw my own hat into the ring”

  “I haven't got a ring”

  “While I have no hat, I wonder if you're not fully realizing the scope of my offer. All you have to do is take me as the godfather to your latest progeny and I'll make certain he's got gold in abundance as well as the opportunity to partake of all the joys in any world you care to name”

  “It's certainly an interesting offer only, well if I might speak bluntly, how do I know you won't just lead my boy astray and teach him all manner of bad habits? I don't mean to cast doubt upon your character sir but it can't be denied you do have something of a reputation”

  “You can trust me. I'm the Devil”5

  William didn't believe a word of it though and wisely moved away down the road.

  It was almost dark by the time William saw anyone else walking on the road. “This is the one” he told himself “I’ve been w
alking all day and he could be a child eating monster but he’s going to be a godfather whether he likes it or not”

  When the traveller came within speaking distance William fell into step and started explaining his problem “. so what the boy really needs is a godfather”

  The traveller, who had remained hooded stopped and considered the proposition “I've been called many things in my time”

  “It's an easy job and I've already turned down the Devil and someone who may or may not have been God. Who are you by the way?”

  The stranger took down his hood to show a polished skull “Death”

  “What really? I always thought Death was a pretty girl with a cheery personality”

  “NO”

  “Well, it's getting late, the baptism is next Sunday but we're having a bit of a party beforehand”

  “I like parties. Make certain you don't serve the salmon mousse”

  So Death appeared at the party which, per his instructions, was held sans any kind of mousse and attended to his duties in an admirable manner even if he did have to rush out at the end to attend to his more traditional ones.

  Time passed and Todd grew up as all children must. When he was of a proper age Death came calling.6

  4

  A practical demonstration which was lost on William since he was part of the demonstration and thus was unable to observe his actions, at least not without the purchase of a large mirror, a great deal of expensive recording equipment and some basic rewriting of the source code of the universe. We are not liable for those of you who wish to experiment and remind you to backup your work on a regular basis.

  5

  The Devil always says this. I advise caution.

  6

  After being considerate enough to give elderly relatives enough time to have a sudden urge to visit friends who lived far far away.

  “I think it's time you learned a trade my son and as I'm your godfather I suggest you go into medicine because I might be an anthropomorphic personification of a perfectly natural event but it doesn't mean I'm totally without a sense of irony”

  “Doesn't medical school take many years or training and leave any prospective doctor with massive debt and crippling student loans though?”