Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 2
By the time she reached the castle the sun was rising, she was soaked to the bone and her horse was nearly dead from exhaustion.
The beast was little more than a dark lump underneath the roses and it was only the extremely small movement of his large chest which let her know he was still alive, although just barely.
“Beast! Don’t die! Stay alive” she begged
“There’s no point” the beast could barely manage to keep his eyes open and his voice was little more than a whisper “she’s made her choice. Why go on living without love?”
7
A practice which may have been referred to as “Walkies” Although only in the pages of her super secret diary.
8
There's one in every family.
“I do love you though, with all my heart!” Beauty ignored the coarse hair and fangs to kiss as much of the beast as she could.
“Then marry me at last my love. Make my final moments worth something”
As the pair kissed in the rain underneath the rosebush the Beasts strength returned and his animal features receded to reveal a handsome young man who stood up somewhat shakily “You’ve broken the spell placed on me by a witch. She turned me into the beast and only a maidens love could end it. Did you want me to ask for your hand again?”
This time Beauty didn’t hesitate to accept. True loves first words became true loves first kiss and, naturally, they lived happily ever after.
EXCOGITATION
•
All this for a flower. Was it really worth it?
It's possible. Beauty is, to completely misquote the bard, so often its own reward. At some point, after his daughter left home the first time Francis the merchant must have asked himself the same question to the point where he worried himself straight into a deathbed.
Then, to rub the salt of irony into his philosophical wounds, almost as soon as he's managed to recover his daughter steals his best horse to ride off in the middle of the night while shouting something vague about her boyfriend sending messages in her dreams.
As if all that wasn't taxing enough she returns a few days later with a handsome suitor and a highly suspicious story involving magic, curses and witches
•
What about the sisters?
It seems to somewhat detract from the happily ever after but it must be pointed out that the acquisition of a brocade dress wasn't ever going to topple Snow White from her position of fairest in the land. Neither would a pearl necklace assist in catching the wandering eye of any Prince worth talking about.
Perhaps it isn't the the nicest aspect of this story but it must be remembered that this is the story of Beauty and the beast, not The Three Sisters Who All Got What They Wanted and given the usual fates of secondary characters in these kinds of stories they were lucky to get away with merely being relatively anonymous and not automatically being typecast as ugly.
•
What would have happened if Francis hadn't kept his word?
From his initial dealings with the trader we've already learned the beast didn't enjoy being seen due to his monstrous appearance. It is therefore entirely possible that he wouldn't have done anything except for seethe about the one which got away and, perhaps, being a touch blunter with the next unsuspecting traveler who stumbled across Castle Mysterious.
On the other hand maybe this small betrayal on the part of Francis would have been the actual kick up the backside9 the beast needed in order to accept what he'd become and rejoin the world on his own terms.
9
Both kick and ass are safely metaphorical. When your name is 'the beast' and you are literally 'a beast' then the actual amount of actual people willing to actually kick you in the hopes of getting you back into society quickly sinks to zero.
RATIOCINATION
Once the initial joy of the wedding wears away then both Beauty and her beast will discover life isn't as happy as it was when it was just the two of them all alone in Castle Mysterious. Don't get me wrong, I can accept the fact these two really have fallen in love and the fact they lived together before getting married shows more sense than certain others who meet, fall in “love” at first sight and then ride off into the sunset of a highly dubious happily ever after. This way at least they both have enough time to figure out they can live with each others little foibles.
It's just that now he's human again there will be more contact with the families on both sides and ultimately means less time for each other. When we take into account how terrified the beast was of allowing Beauty go off on her own, this may not be something he will be able to cope with.
On the other hand what the heck do I know?
Their relationship was strong enough to endure despite the fact she turned down his first proposal and was gracious enough to give a good reason. I do think, however, due to the long shadow cast by the beast, they'll find it difficult if not impossible to make friends with the real movers and shakers.
All of this brings us nicely to the moral and it isn't surprising to discover the one trotted out for regular readers is along the lines of
“Don't judge by appearances”
As morals go it is something of a classic and one that is not only applicable to the beast since the magic mirror and the rose, both tiny and insignificant items in themselves, have the narrative potential to cause a great deal of upheaval. The other lesson to be learned from this is slightly more oblique.
“Always know exactly who's got your back”
Living alone in his castle he has been abandoned by his own family in a time of serious need. Now the curse has been lifted, he's suddenly walking around he is suddenly walking around with a beautiful wife. No matter how accepting they are to her face there will always be murmurs behind their backs about how he'd married far beneath his station and this new wife of his has obviously orchestrated everything in order to get her hands on the family fortune. The hussy!
CINDERELLA
In which a pawn becomes a queen through somewhat questionable circumstances.
Politics. That thing nobody wants to discuss while, at the same time, can't ever seem to shut up about.
The thing of it is if you've ever taken the time to really examine the machinations of nations and corporations1 it soon becomes apparent that there are always plans within plans and while this story might not have the labyrinth of plans, schemes, plots, assassinations and outright treachery found in any halfway decent parliament it does have more than a few skeletons in the narrative closet.
Covering up all of these schemes is an incredibly simple story wherein a girl from the absolute bottom of society encounters a boy from the absolute top and, with the assistance of a friendly fairy godmother, they end up with a bouncing baby happy ever after. However, once we once we dare peer behind the magic mirror and overturn the poisoned apple-cart of narrative we discover this story becomes less about a godmother give true love a helping hand and more about a complex scheme undertaken with the sole purpose of influencing the political spectrum of an entire country.
hroughout the length and breadth of the entirety of human history there has never been a story such as this one. True, there have been sad stories or characters who had to live in distressing circumstances but the depths of tragedy in which this young woman lived Tmakes me question whether this is even a story children should be told. However I am merely the humble narrator and ultimately it is up to the reader to decide if they should proceed with this story.
Far away in a land removed by time and ocean was a young woman who wasn't happy. This, quite frankly was putting it mildly since she hadn't had her heart broken like other young women of her age but rather she was unhappy because her stepmother had never liked her. No, not even for an instant.2
As bad as this situation sounded it actually got worse because her stepmother had a pair of daughters who were easily the equal of their mother when it came to petty spitefulness and while you might well think that at least things couldn't get any w
orse for this poor woman there was one final nail which hammered home the true severity of the whole situation.
Her father, the one person she should have been able to count on for help, had long ago turned a blind eye to the increasingly harsh treatment of his daughter.
With scant regard for the fact she was merely continuing to perpetuate the stereotype, the stepmother made certain to never waste an opportunity to let Cinderella know she wasn't as good as her natural daughters. Where they received the good things in life, Cinderella was forced into a life of servitude and counted herself lucky if she was able to get some cold leftovers before they were thrown onto the compost heap and in the unkindest cut of all Cinderella wasn't even her real name. It was just what people called her because she slept among the cinders of the fireplace.3
Cinderella also had no friends. Anyone she'd once been close to had long since being driven away by the family and it was not unknown for her to fill the long lonely hours talking to the cat who wasn't much of a conversationalist since all he said was “Miaow” which she took to mean
“Cheer up girl. You've got something nobody else in this family has and that's your beauty”4
1
The more cynical among us might like to reflect on how easily the dictates of the latter shape the decisions of the former.
2
“A cruel stepmother in a fairy story? I certainly didn't see that one coming” remarked nobody ever.
3
It could always have been worse. After all, she could have been forced to sleep in the outhouse.
4
It is rather a lot to pack into a single “Miaow” although we should take pains to remember cats, unlike dogs, are traditionally clever.
This was at least true enough, even when she was dressed in ill fitting hand-me-downs and covered in ash from the cinders she was beautiful. Especially when she happened to make the mistake of standing next to her stepsisters who were varying degrees of clumsy, lumpy, and ugly5.
One fateful day the family, or rather those parts of the family who wore dresses and weren't named Cinderella, received a delivery of beautiful dresses which had been ordered in order to allow the sisters to be presented at the grand ball Prince Edward was throwing for reasons best known to himself.
Although she had dared to hope otherwise Cinderella never dared to ask her stepmother for permission to attend because she knew exactly what would happen after the laughter had died down.
“You can't go to the ball. You've got to stay at home with the dishes and while we're out the house needs to be cleaned with your tongue” she stopped the impersonation before she assigned herself any other dirty work and sighed heavily “look at them Cat. They're all going to a party which means they'll be going to come back late. They'll want coffee, food and their beds turned down because obviously I've got nothing better to do.
“Miaow”
“What do you mean it's a reasonable set of expectations when you come home after a night out.
Whose side are you on anyway?”
“Miaow”
“No I'm not going to start getting things ready rather than talking to you!”
“Miaow”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t pretend to hear that. But you know what? It's time I faced facts. My life sucks and there's nothing I can do about it”
The fascinating, if slightly lopsided, glimpse into her inner psyche was interrupted by a fairy who crashed the proceedings by crashing through the window.
“Don't be alarmed Cinderella!”
“Who are you? Are you ok?” Cinderella rushed to help the fairy dust herself off “how do you even know my name?”
“Miaow”
“Good point. Who's going to pay for the window? My stepmother isn't the nicest person in the world you know”
“A broken window is the least of your problems” the fairy assured her “the wind blew your sigh to me and I would like to help if I can”
“How can you help me? My family hates me, everybody has gone to the ball and now I've got a smashed window to take care of ”
“Would you shut up about the window already? I've got a wand full of magic and a heart full of good intentions, neither of which has ever led to anything bad happening. What it means for you is not only will you get to go to the ball but you'll most beautiful one there”
“Please” Cinderella replied cynically “dressed like this I wouldn't even get through the servants entrance”
“Look, what part of magic wand don't you get? Hoopla!”
Quite without warning the dusty rags Cinderella had been wearing transformed into a beautiful dress and while she looked at the outfit in amazement the fairy addressed the cat.
“I need seven mice. Go fetch them for me will you?”
“You eat mice as well?” the cat asked
“Wait, you've really been able to talk all this time?” Cinderella asked in shock
“That’s not important right now. We've got bigger fish to fry I'm waiting on those mice and Cinders, you need to fetch me a large pumpkin”
“What about the fish? I'd have to go to the market”
“Pumpkin! Mice! Get to it people!”
5
Being possessed of a natural cleverness Cinderella made certain to never point this out, at least not in the earshot of anyone whose linguistic skills weren't limited to the aforementioned “Miaow”.
Several variations of “Hoopla!” later the pumpkin had become an ornate coach and the mice had become powerful horses with a smartly dressed coachman standing beside them6.
“Right then Cinderella, don't worry about anything. All you have to do is turn up and I guarantee the prince will be enchanted by your loveliness”
“My name isn't actually Cinderella you know”
“Furthermore” the fairy went on “all this magic stuff is only going to last until midnight so you'd better be back by then because it'll have vanished. Capice?”
Cinderella, or whatever her name was, quickly capiced and the coach pulled away in the direction of both castle and grand ball.
As Cinderella walked through the doors a hush fell over the crowd, for the first time in her life Cinderella was the subject of a thousand whispers all wanting to know who the mysterious beauty was7.
A few discrete questions were asked of the doormen and naturally none of them knew anything about her because the first thing you learn in gatecrashing school is not to give your name to the doorman.
As soon as he'd seen her entrance Prince Edward had no time for anyone else, much to the mortification of all the other women who had attended the ball with their own designs upon the royal crown, heart and jewels.
“You already have my heart” Edward confessed as the pair tripped the light fantastic “ won't you tell me your name”
“My name doesn't matter your highness, Take this night for what it is because you won't ever see me again” her mysterious smile only served to inflame his ardor.8
Being the center of attention for the entire night meant Cinderella, unlike everyone who wasn't the prince, had a wonderful time at the ball. A wonderful time that came crashing to a halt as the clock began to strike midnight and in a shocking breach of etiquette she was forced to leave without a word of goodbye or any kind of explanation for her sudden departure she, well, she suddenly departed.
The crown heads of the country gave chase of course, by this time he was madly in love with the mysterious and beautiful stranger and the rest of the party followed after them as well because everyone wanted to know what was going on and be in at the quick if, say for example, the stranger had a nasty fall down some stairs and someone regal needed a suitable aristocratic shoulder to cry on.
Those schemers hoped in vain because in her panic Cinderella soon outdistanced them and disappeared into the night leaving only a glass slipper as the only sign she had been there at all.
“Go and search everywhere for the girl who fits this slipper” Prince Edward commanded
when the footwear was brought to him9 “I will never be content until I find her!”
Prince Edward didn't actually go out on the search personally owing to the fact that matters of the heart must always give way to matters of state and since the group who were tasked with searching for the most beautiful woman in the country were doing so in the princes name and at his express command it was almost as though he were actually there. For the record the entourage of people doing the searching consisted of the following:
One Scribe – To record the events for posterity and insert the character of the prince into events as they unfolded.
Two Underscribes – To carry various scrolls, quills, inks, sharpeners, a small writing desk and other implements of destruction on an as needed basis.
Three Minstrels – To record the events of the search in song.
6
Seeing his usual dinner had suddenly become twenty times larger and armed with dangerous looking hooves was almost too much for the cat. When the final mouse became a coachman armed with a whip he wisely decided not to hang around to see Cinderella off.
7
I take pains to point out she was considered to be A beauty rather than a Beauty who was also at the ball along with her own Prince and only here in order to make a small cameo.
8
The less we dwell upon which parts of the prince were getting 'arder the better.
9
Presumably after it had been given a quick polish and then been appropriately perfumed. Cinders had been dancing all night remember and one doesn't just hand any old thing to the royal personage if one wants to keep ones head on ones shoulders.
Four Hounds – To sniff out the owner of the shoe in question.
Five Hound handlers – To control the dogs under the supervision of the master of hounds.
Six Footmen – To examine and compare the feet of those claiming ownership of the shoe.10