Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Page 12

  “Now whatever you do don't open the door to any strangers” the chief warned her “there are some pretty weird types in this forest, so stay inside and try to practice your drunken singing”

  “Ooooohhh I'm a Deafened Dwarfen Maiden” sang Snow White as she waved them goodbye “A going off to wore, hic!, to wor, hic!, to war”

  There isn't really any more to the story. I mean if you think about it the queen is happy, the dwarfs are happy, Snow is certainly happy.8

  There are no problems, everyone is happy except for the squirrel and the much maligned Elves although nobody important cared about them.

  Oh wait did I say everyone? How silly of me, because we’ve forgotten all about the servant and at this point it it prudent to reveal yet another pertinent fact about this somewhat questionable characters somewhat questionable character. It would seem that, due to a love of fast women and slow horses, his finances were far from golden and in a desperate attempt to claim the reward despite not dispatching the princess he presented his mistress with the heart of a deer because who's going to know the difference?

  Once again the queen uncovered the mirror and looked deeply into its magical depths.

  “Hey you! Who's the prettiest now?”

  “You're supposed to rhyme” the mirror grumbled

  “Don't you give me any lip glasshole. I've got Snows heart in one hand, a hammer in the other and no sense of humor whatsoever. So you'd better tell me what I want to hear”

  Unfortunately for all concerned the mirror couldn't lie and informed his owner the princess Snow White was [a] still alive [b] living with Dwarfs out in the forest [c] currently having the time of her life and was, most importantly, [d] more beautiful than ever.

  To say the Queen was slightly miffed at this news would, once again, completely understate the situation. Furthermore an extensive search of the castle revealed her trusted servant was no longer eligible for either of these titles and had, in point of fact, last been seen on the road to the neighboring kingdom of Terra Incognito with nothing more than the clothing on his back and the royal bag of loot over his shoulder.

  It was at this exact moment that she went from being slightly miffed to fully vexed about the whole affair and on the logic of if you want something done right then do it yourself she obtained a peasant costume from the royal costume department and placed into a basket those most infamous poisoned apples.

  “So sing! With the mud and the blood boys! And have yourself a beer. Cos I’m a deadly, drunken, deafened, Dwarfish maaiiidain and.. ” Snow white sang as she peeled vegetables in the warm kitchen until she was interrupted by someone knocking on the door and quite ruining her crescendo “who's there, are you a drunken Dwarfen maiden a heading off to wore?”

  “Um no? I'm actually an old peasant woman” the stepmother called out in the way someone had once told her peasants spoke “selling apples”

  “Oh, well I’m afraid I don’t need any apples. Apples and squirrel soup are a bad combination I assure you”

  7

  Unexpected parties being something of a Dwarf tradition.

  8

  Or drunk which is an entirely different level of happiness rarely encountered at the level of childrens stories.

  “Are you certain? They're beautiful apples”

  “Wait a minute, it's the middle of winter. Where are you getting apples from?”

  “Open the door and find out”

  “I don't think so. I'm not supposed to open the door to strangers”

  “and as a reward for being so good I'll make you a gift of one of my apples” the stepmother joined the rest of us in a collective eye roll “because, as you said, one should never open their door to strangers”

  Tempted at last by the thought of a free apple9 Snow opened the door and bit into the poisoned fruit which naturally had the desired effect of causing her to fall down dead since if you’re going to go to all the trouble of making poisoned apples you don’t want to stop halfway.

  The evil Queen cast off her disguise and danced around Snows corpse while cackling insanely before running off into the forest where she quickly lost her way, tripped and fell into quicksand. There was nobody around to hear her cries for help except for a few squirrels who did nothing except laugh at the slow death of the only proactive character in this story.10

  Over at the mine the head dwarf looked over at the ominous clouds and the lightening which split the sky in two “This isn't good lads”

  “It's just weather dad” the youngest one spoke up “we have it every day”

  “Not like this” another dwarf interjected “see those clouds? Something bad has happened”

  The head dwarf looked over at his companion “You wanna watch it mate. That's coming dangerously close to Elf talk”

  “Elf talk or not. Lets not hang about here” the youngest dwarf suggested “we should go see if Snow is alright”

  The rain stopped once they discovered Snow's body although this fact was of little comfort and all the tears in the world couldn't bring their friend back to life. Finally, they built a crystal coffin and each day they laid a flower in remembrance.

  One evening they discovered a young man standing at the bier and gazing at Snow White through the crystal.

  “I am a Prince” he informed the Dwarfs after listening to the story of what had happened11 “and if you'll permit me I'll take her back to the castle. I'll call in famous doctors to waken her from this peculiar sleep”

  “Sleep? She's dead. You don't recover from death” the chief dwarf exclaimed although he wasn't quick enough to stop the young man from opening the coffin and kissing the corpse “eew”

  To everyone's astonishment Snow White opened her eyes and sat up12.

  “Go on do another one” the dwarfs urged

  “I'm sure I don't know what you mean” the prince protested then suddenly pulled a squirrel out of the chief dwarfs beard with a cry of “Hoopla!”

  All magic aside it came as a surprise to nobody, not even the tourists, when Princess Snow White and the Prince were joined in matrimony and went off to live in one of the many castles which seem to pop up like mushrooms.

  9

  While ignoring the biblical implications of same.

  10 Many versions of the story have her being put in red hot iron shoes as punishment. It would seem whoever transcribed this version preferred death by quicksand rather than death by quickstep.

  11 again, a much less sarcastic version than this one

  12 “Oh drat” the Prince looked disappointed and left to try and find the stepmother

  EXCOGITATION

  •

  How did the Prince know where to find Snow White?

  We already know the Dwarfs themselves live somewhat off the beaten track because Snow White had to get incredibly lost before she found their house and although the queen knows or, more accurately knew, the exact address she isn’t exactly in a position tell anyone without the help of a talented medium.

  By the process of logical elimination this leaves only the magic mirror who has realized it’s about to be out of a job and has reached out to the person most likely to use it on a daily basis.

  •

  What reward do the Dwarfs get?

  They do seem to go largely unmentioned after Snow White wakes up and rides off to her happily ever after. However since we’ve already spent the entire story being told about how nice she is I think we can take it as read13 that, at the very least, she sent them round a larger than average fruitcake.

  •

  Is the Prince the hero then?

  Now I get we’re supposed to be on the side of the handsome Prince because if we’re not on his side then we’ve got no choice but to side with the Queen. Realistically speaking if he’s getting all his information from the magic mirror then perhaps he is, or will soon become, the latest in a long line of mirror users who spend all their time in consultation with the mirror demanding to know if someone in the kingdom is better
than him in some way.

  13 Except we can’t for reasons that should be obvious.

  RATIOCINATION

  Over the course of this story all we ever really get told about Snow White is how she’s the fairest in the land and its for this reason she’s not going to be happy in her life with the Prince because he represents a return to the royal court she’s known all her life and, in this court, she must be the perfect Princess once again.

  Since she’s already known as the fairest in the land the royal court will be stacked with people repeating what she already knows in the hope that this will appeal to the royal ears and if she wants to to keep the title she won’t be able to do anything except stand there and look good while they do.

  So perhaps in her life with the Dwarfs she is cooking and cleaning with such enthusiasm precisely because she isn't going to be surrounded by the idle rich. For her the little house represents freedom from the oppressive nature of the royal courts with their sycophantic lackeys and their quietly efficient servants.

  With all the speculation about her private life or lack thereof out of the way I suppose the only question is the exact moral of the tale. Given this whole thing started because someone decided, based entirely on the opinion of someone else, one person was prettier than another and completely overreacted, which ultimately led to a sudden attack of quicksand.

  Taking all this into consideration the moral of this story is possibly the most significant of all the morals and lessons covered in this book.

  “See that squirrel? Yeah, nobody who ever trusted a squirrel ever got anywhere in

  life”

  PUSS IN BOOTS

  In which poaching, fraud, identity theft and murder are each celebrated in turn.

  Friendship. After death and taxes it's the one thing you can count on, even in those rare times when your family have turned their backs on you. It's a sad person indeed who is unable to call on the help of their friends when they really need it.

  Naturally this isn't to say that the relationship is entirely one way and should they call on your aid the bonds of friendship dictate that you return the favor by doing everything in your power to help, which only proves that it's the power of friendship that really makes the world go round.

  All this talk of friends puts me in mind of the commonly misquoted saying ‘Man's best friend is a dog’

  If we take this as true and we have no reason not to it means the other commonly misquoted saying

  ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ must also be true.

  Cats, for example, have always been somewhat sinister creatures1. Buried deep in the racial memory of felinity of sabertoothed monsters who once laughed at humanity. Unlike dogs, those aforementioned stalwart friends of man, cats have always had their own agendas and in these modern times they arrive and depart at will and ask for little except the most refined of delicacies.2

  What then does it mean when the cat in this story would seem to have dedicated his life to making certain his human owner ends up with the best of everything?

  Is he a failure in the eyes of feline society?

  Do they view him as a dangerous renegade?

  Has he simply been seduced by a pair of fancy boots?

  There's only one way to satisfy your curiosity although I do recall yet another saying regarding cats and their inquiring minds.

  t so happened that once, as they say, upon a time there was a miller who died of a combination of old age and thinking he was able to lift heavy sacks of flour without any help. As he had reached a state of happily ever after the day he'd gotten married and the physical evidence of Ithis was provided by his three sons there really is no reason for the general reader to mourn his passing.

  While important the death of a random miller isn't the focus of the real story which starts when his children gather for the reading of the will. Old Tom, the eldest son, received the mill which wasn't a surprise given that he'd spent so long as an apprentice under his father, Dead Tom3.

  Middle Tom, the second child was handed the reins to a donkey and shrugged his shoulders because it was better than nothing and more than he'd been expecting.

  The third and youngest son, Young Tom, was given nothing more than their fathers cat and, not wanting to cause any more family friction, he made certain to keep his mouth firmly shut until the three had gone their separate ways.

  “Oh Fie, woe and other lamentations!" the young man sat under a bridge and shivered around the fire he'd made from a painting of a distant aunt which nobody else had wanted “what can I do with nothing more than a cat? It's too skinny to eat and too mangy to skin!”

  1

  Both in the sense of evil and also their habit of coming in from the left and winding about your legs while you are trying to unload the groceries.

  2

  Which are then ignored. They’re nothing if not capricious.

  3

  Who used to be Old Tom until the first sentence of this story.

  “Don't you worry master” the previously silent cat spoke up suddenly “I know you didn't mean those horrible things and if you just give me your cloak, hat, bag and boots then I'll see you right Sonny Jim Bob”

  Naturally in our cynical world we would be somewhat averse as someone we'd only just met walked away with our clothes and best sack. Young Tom, though, lived in a much more innocent time and despite the fact that his name wasn't any combination of Sonny, Jim or Bob he therefore permitted part of his inheritance to walk away with the majority of his stuff on the strength of his promise to return.

  As loath as I am to perpetuate the stereotype it must be admitted the cat was a highly effective hunter because in the space of an hour the bag was almost overflowing with rabbits which would have made Young Tom a nice dinner if the moccasin clad moggy hadn't had other plans.

  As it happened there was a castle nearby and where there are castles there are kings4 and this king in particular was rather surprised when the booted feline made a sweeping bow and presented him with the rabbits in the name of his master, the Marquis of Carabas.

  The next day he returned with a brace of partridges “Fresh from the hunt and ready for your kitchens with the compliments of the famous Marquis of Carabas”

  These visits soon became a regular event which required the royal chefs to invent more and more original ways to prepare all the fresh game. They were, perhaps, the only ones in the kingdom who didn't look forward to the marquis latest presents.

  There are few things in this world which can be said to be constant5 and our magpie like tendency to latch onto the new and unknown is, perhaps not our noblest feature. The Marquis was all anybody talked about with those who didn't know about him being sagely informed by others who also didn't know about him and were clever enough to keep that part quiet.

  With each retelling of each story the prowess and handsomeness of the marquis grew until he was able to charm the sun into rising, wrestle the mountains to pebbles and still dance the night away in the arms of his beloved. Eventually the queen, with her finger on the pulse on the royal court took a personal interest in the personage of the marquis and took the opportunity to talk with the felidae in footwear after he'd made his latest delivery.

  “We have been hearing a great deal about your master as of late. Some of it complimentary and much of it contradictory, before you leave Sir Cat I would like to know about the marquis. Is he as young and handsome as they say?”

  “My queen. I must admit my master is so handsome he only has to look at a field and the flowers bloom for him. Were he to walk through the town every pool boy would be fired, but since he doesn't want to be the cause of such massive unemployment6 he has been wary of visiting in person. If truth be told however when he dispatched me here this morning he ordered me to invite you and yours to dine at his castle”

  “Did you just pronounce a footnote?”

  “It's a cat thing your majesty”

  “In that case we accept your masters i
nvitation. It will certainly be the social coup of the year”

  At last we break from the intrigues of royal society in order to return to the personage of the marquis of Carabas whom we know simply as Young Tom.

  Realizing he would most likely never see the cat again he had dusted himself off, pulled himself up by his metaphorical bootstraps7, become gainfully employed and could occasionally be found walking with a young lady with whom there was something of an understanding.

  4

  If you don't count the ones holding an assortment of sleeping princess's, giants, dragons, ghosts and all manner of assorted beasties.

  5

  Aside from death, taxes and friendship which have already been mentioned.

  6

  Quite unlike [insert your least favorite politician here]

  7

  Since the cat had the literal boots.

  Wait a minute, I've gotten my notes mixed up. That was Sonny Jim Bob.

  Young Tom had spent all his time sitting under the bridge, continuing to moan about his fate and thinking about how it might be time to knuckle down and get a proper job since his boots, hat and bag had gone with his cat, none of which were never coming back. He was soon proved to be wrong because all four of these items suddenly arrived back in his life although once he had been informed about the plans which were in motion he found himself wishing they weren't.

  “You told them what?”

  “I happened to mention you'd be happy to receive them” the longhair is high heels looked up from brushing dust off the famous boots “you would wouldn't you?”

  “Oh perfectly happy. Except for the simple fact that I'm not the marquis of the Caribbean”

  “Carabas”

  “Wherever! I don't have a castle either. What should I do? Wait for them to get here and ask the king to pull up a comfy rock?”

  “Boss, boss don't worry about it. I got everything under control”

  “I'm gonna get dogs” Young Tom promised himself as his only friend sauntered confidently away