Cynical Tales for Cynical Children Read online

  INTRODUCTION

  In which an introduction & an explanation is attempted. Only one of which is

  successful.

  Although the exact numbers are a matter of considerable debate among the people who enjoy spirited academic arguments1 the one thing they do agree on is the fact that some form of humanity has been kicking around this verdant planet for rather a long time. Therefore, it is with a degree of certainty and without adding extra fuel to the fire that I can claim we've been telling each other stories for almost as long.

  Stories, myths, legends and tales all change depending on exactly who is speaking at the time2 and the emphasis they place on names, locations, important points of plot etc is entirely relative to their own circumstances.

  While such unimportant details remain eternally subject to change the lessons each character learns or adventure they embark upon remains, at the heart of everything, the same and in these modern times any story beginning with

  “Once upon a time. .” will invariably end with “. .and they all lived happily ever after”

  For some of us the happily ever after ending signals all is right with the world. Like the rising of the sun it is a constant in a world of ever expanding randomness and change. Hearing “. .and they all lived happily ever after” is a reassuring sign that the world will still be around tomorrow and they'll wake up full of energy3.

  Now to address the elephant, as it were, in the room.

  While there are some who listen to the stories, hear “and they all lived etc” and don't go straight to sleep. Instead, they lie there looking up at you and asking difficult questions about intricate plot points of the happy little bedtime story you've just completed. Difficult questions, which rattle around in your brain until it's three in the morning, everyone else in the house and/or world is asleep and all you can do is lie there thinking

  “Well, why the heck couldn't the Hood girl spot the difference between her grandmother and a wolf?”

  In the hopes of answering a few of these questions this weighty tome4 is dedicated to those long suffering parents who are forced to perpetually ponder that which should not be pondered. To assist them in their nocturnal quests for enlightenment each story ends with a series of questions, an ultimate conclusion regarding any lessons or morals and liberally sprinkled throughout are footnotes that have been included at key points in the interests of both clarity and education.

  It is also dedicated to those special few who ask that which should not be asked and it is the hope of the author that, upon receiving the answers that should not be answered, they will be able to think of even more perplexing questions.

  1

  While the differences between academic and regular arguments is myriad it must be pointed out that academic arguments include several dissertations, at least one doctorate and doesn't end in a fistfight. It should further be noted that I make no guarantee about that last point.

  2

  It also depends on whether Mr Big has sent his goons around.

  3

  Please take a moment to appreciate the fact that this book was written by someone who isn't a morning person. Heck, he's barely a daytime person and as such any facts included about the sun or what happens during the daytime are based on conjecture, hearsay and wild speculations.

  4

  Weighty if you've bought the print version that is. In the digital version the weightiness of the tome is entirely hypothetical.

  BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

  In which true love is born of somewhat dubious circumstances.

  Love. That thing, which if the cynical are to be believed, walks hand in hand with money. In truth this is an arrangement of convenience because both are required to make the world go round and those who oppose the one will often meet their fate at the hands of the other.

  For most of us the marriage of love and money are enough. The latest couple are together despite the objections of a few and we can walk away from this increasingly strange metaphor with a vague sense of satisfaction because everything can be placed in a neat little box.

  However, for an enlightened1 few, such a perfect ending is highly suspicious and requires further investigation. It doesn't take long for a suitably determined individual to pick up on the seemingly insignificant details and clues leading one to ultimately conclude the situations presented are not as cut and dried as they were first presented.

  So it is with the story of Beauty and the beast. At first glance it is yet another rehashing of the oldest story wherein boy meets girl. However for those of us who would dare to question the concepts of love, money and happily ever afters this is a love story only if your definition of love includes forced confinement, blatant emotional blackmail and an acute case of Stockholm syndrome.

  Don't believe me? Then read on gentle soul. Read on and be afraid.

  et's keep this as simple as possible. Even the most uninformed of readers will have heard of Gray Trading, given that it is impossible to get something from nothing it will come as no surprise to learn that well before it was a global multinational company it was little Lmore than a one man family business which was both owned and operated by a trader named Francis Gray.

  One fateful day Francis was called away on a trading voyage in several major cities.

  “Did you girls want anything special?” he asked before climbing into the saddle of the horse reserved for business trips “I don’t want to jinx anything but this trip has the potential to be extremely profitable”

  “If you could commission a brocade dress” his eldest daughter simpered “I'll finally be able knock Snow White off her perch. We'll see who's the fairest in the land when I step out with my suitor”

  “You've only got a suitor?” her younger sister scoffed “all I need is a pearl necklace with which to catch the eye of the Prince”

  Beauty, his youngest daughter smiled prettily in the knowledge that she was the only one of the three sisters in this story to get a proper name, which by the ancient and powerful laws of storytelling, meant that she was going to be the important one.

  “Oh my dear father. I'm not really interested in the superficial things such as fashion or pretty jewels.

  Bring me back a rose for my own and I'll be happy”

  “A pretty dress, a fancy necklace and a simple rose? Easily done” the carriage pulled away leaving the three sisters standing at the gate.

  “You two think you're so clever” the eldest sister grumbled “well I'm going to stay right here until Father is out of sight”

  “That proves nothing. For your information I was planning on staying here as well and now I'm also going to moon about the house until he returns”

  “Oh yeah? I'm going to frequently swoon and turn away any suitors who come calling”

  1

  For a completely unique and possibly completely wrong definition of enlightened that is.

  “As if anyone is going to be calling on you when they had the opportunity to be entranced by me”

  Beauty sighed and returned to the house where she could watch out for her fathers return from the study containing a multitude of books, comfortable chairs and was outside the vocal range of her sisters, all of which suited her well.

  It was a fortnight later2 and the house had returned to normal, the two elder sisters never actually turned away any of their hopeful suitors or stood forlornly at the gate waiting for their fathers return.

  At least not after the weather had turned bad since it was generally agreed that standing at the gate in a metaphorical sense was good enough.

  While the family were waiting in the pleasantly warm study their father was slowly making his way home through the mid
dle of a fierce yet narrativly convenient storm. Lost and alone in the darkness of the night he eventually stumbled across a large castle3 and not being one to question any sort of divine providence he went inside to find a large fire and an equally large table laden down with a large selection of food.

  Despite his exhaustion and hunger the Francis didn't sit immediately sit down to a fine meal because he was well aware of the attitudes of those who own castles towards those who don't. It was only after he’d gone through a large part of the mysteriously empty castle and making certain to pay particularly close attention to any and all shadowy alcoves from which the classic monsters preferred to leap4 that he relaxed enough to settle down at the table in order to enjoy a hearty meal.

  After making certain to check under the fanciest bed in the castle Francis the trader fell into a comfortable slumber thinking he would meet with his host in the morning where proper introductions could, at last, be made.

  Once it had realized it was no longer essential to the plot the storm had packed its things and left, an act allowing the light of the morning sun to gently rouse everyone currently living in the castle which currently consisted of Francis the merchant and the apparent team of ninjas currently employed as servants who had managed to reset the dinner table with a most refined breakfast.

  That being said there was still no sign of his mysterious host or his equally mysterious bill, although in the interests of full disclosure it must be noted that he didn't look as hard for the latter as he had for the former.

  One leisurely breakfast, one saddled horse and one well written thank you note later he was ready to leave Castle Mysterious when it occurred to him that, strictly speaking, simply leaving a note next to a pile of dirty dishes wasn't enough and after a great deal of mental arithmetic he deposited an appropriate gratuity next to the aforementioned note.

  With his conscience clear, his stomach full and his wallet lighter the trader mounted his horse and set off in the direction of home. He was barely through the castle gates when he noticed a luxurious rosebush and, remembering his daughters request, leaned down to pick the largest rose he'd ever seen.

  It wasn't the extremely sharp thorns that led to his sudden regret of this action, although they certainly helped a great deal, rather it was the sudden appearance of a monster who was so large he shouldn't have been able to hide behind the rose bush and he shouldn't have been able to leap out at him with claws outstretched5.

  “I gave you shelter and food! This is how you dare to repay me?” snarled someone who could only be described as beastly.

  “Please sir, I looked for you”

  “I know you did! I've spent half the morning finding different hiding places. You think I'm in any shape to receive visitors?”

  2

  In the interests of narrative accuracy I have indeed resumed writing this a fortnight later. It remains to be seen if I shall utilize the same technique when it's time to write Sleeping Beauty.

  3

  Although exactly how one stumbles across anything the general size and shape of even a small castle is quite beyond me.

  4

  Because if your study full of books isn't full of books about spooky stuff like this then what's the point?

  5

  As scary as this would be I do have to admit it's good to see a monster who is actually prepared to act like a monster.

  “I left the note and some money, if it wasn't enough”

  “You dare insult me with money?” both were thrown to the ground to add even more drama to an already dramatic situation. “I live in a castle and you think anything you can give is going to be enough to make up for what you've done?”

  “Exactly what is it I’ve done to you?” Francis demanded “yes, you took me in last night and if you’d made yourself available as a proper host I would have introduced myself and acted as a proper guest regardless of your appearance. As it is I did everything I could think of to act with the utmost propriety in this situation and I fail to see how even a monster such as yourself can take offense at my actions”

  “What you've done? What you've done? Even now the proof of your theft lies in your hands and you dare to pretend you don't know what you've done?”

  The trader looked down at the rose and trembled in fear “I didn't know! What's the big deal? It's just a flower”

  “No sir, it's not JUST a flower. It's just MY flower from MY garden and more importantly it's the last thing YOU'LL ever see because the punishment for theft in these parts is death. If you've got any last words then now is the time”

  “I only wanted to make my youngest daughter happy”

  “The road to Hell is paved with 'I only wanted' as you'll soon discover”

  “Kill me if that will assuage your wrath just allow me to write a final letter to Beauty. There are things she needs to know about running the family business”

  “Beauty” his captor mused “your daughter actually has a name?”

  “She's also the youngest of three sisters and asked for a simple rose when the others wanted fancy things”

  “That changes things. This daughter of yours, Beauty, would she be the sort to sit around the house mooning until you returned?”

  “Not at all. She's always got so much going on I was amazed she took the time to see me off. That’s why I’ve been planning on leaving her the business in the event of my death, her older sisters just aren’t up to the job”

  “I see, here then is my judgment. As you have taken from me my most beautiful bloom so shall I do the same to you. The price of your life will be your rose loving daughter”

  “There's no way I'm going to hand her over if you're going to kill her!”

  “Oh I see how it is. Just because I’m a monster I kill everyone I meet, do me a favor and don’t be an idiot”

  Since it was a case of agree or die the trader gave his most solemn vow to return to Castle Mysterious before the next full moon.

  “So there we have it my girls” Francis explained to his daughters while they sat around the kitchen table

  “I lose my youngest daughter because I picked some stupid flower”

  “It's not a stupid flower father!” Beauty exclaimed “the rose is lovely and I'm not afraid at all”

  “Not even a little?” the eldest sister needled “the monster will most likely rend you limb from limb as soon as he looks at you”

  “He gave father dinner” the middle sister pointed out “he'll probably wait until you're off guard and then you wake up to discover you've been turned into breakfast”

  “I'm certain it won't be like that at all” their father stepped in before the latest argument could actually get going “reasonably certain at least, all the same I'd avoid the black pudding if I were you”

  On a starry night illuminated by a full moon Beauty and her father arrived at Castle Mysterious where they were welcomed by the beast who had washed, brushed his fur and made a significant effort to look presentable. This was only slightly hampered by the fact his well groomed mane now framed an equally well groomed set of savage fangs however everyone agreed it was the thought that counted and aside from that small faux pas he behaved as would a perfect gentleman6.

  6

  . or possibly pedigree. The jury is still out

  Time passed and any sense of fear Beauty had was worn away to the point where the pair frequently took extended tours of the castle gardens7. It was on one of these turns and in front of the rosebush that was the catalyst of their meeting where the beast finally gathered up enough courage to sink to one knee and ask for Beauties hand in marriage.

  Even though his monstrous appearance no longer mattered her gentle rejection was still a difficult choice because, while she considered him a close friend, she felt she didn't love him.

  Over the next few weeks there were more than a few awkward days where they avoided each other until one day when he knocked on her chamber door and presented Beauty with an ornate mirror.

  �
�It's magic” he explained “if you know the proper way to look into it and the right words to say then you can see things from far away. Sometimes it will only show Snow White but if you just thump the side it should come right”

  When Beauty tried it out she nearly dropped the mirror in shock because the glass had shown her an image of her father who was deathly ill while her sisters did nothing except squabble over who was getting what8.

  “No!” the beast roared when she asked him about returning “absolutely not! I forbid it entirely!”

  Outside the castle the narrativly convenient storm operated the thunder machine with the enthusiasm of the recently hired.

  “It's my father!” Beauty shouted back over the crash of lightening “the mirror is a cruel gift if I can only look on him in his last hours and not be by his side?”

  “And what about when you're back home? What then?” he demanded “will you ever return? Ha! I think not”

  “I'll return” Beauty promised “Castle Mysterious is my home now and I'll return as soon as father is well again”

  “Seven days. See to your family affairs but return to me in seven days”

  Once she was back at her families home it didn't take long for Beauty to quickly get everything back into a semblance of working order. Her sisters were furnished with regular allowances, the more persistent suitors were dealt with, her father recovered from his illness and she made certain to set the record straight concerning the nature of the beast.

  On the final hour of the seventh night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Beauty dozed in her favorite chair and dreamed about her friend.

  In the dream he had sadly observed her leaving the castle before going about his business with only the occasional hopeful glace towards the gates. Yet with each tick of the clock and each day that passed the beast suffered more until he finally gave up all hope of his only friend in the world returning to the place they had both called home.

  The nightmare ended with the beast clutching at his chest and sinking to the cold, unfeeling earth under the weight of his broken heart.

  Beauty awoke at the moment of his death covered in sweat and with her own heart pounding. There was no time for trivialities such as waking her family or saddling the horse before mounting it and riding towards Castle Mysterious as fast as she could.